The Rise Of Wanheda.

Chapter 1. Farewell.

I remember the journey back to Camp Jaha after we freed our people from Mount Weather. It seemed to take no time yet all the time in the world to return home. I walked in silence for the most part, my mind swimming with the awful decisions I had to make to get us to this point. One switch was all it took, one single action to end the lives of the people in that mountain, men; women, children, soldiers, families. Radiation seeping through the air vents like an invisible harbinger of death, eventually laying waste to those who had no immunity against it. What had I done?
By the time we reached the gates of our camp, I had already made my decision to leave. I couldn't be their leader any longer, not with so much blood on my hands, so much self doubt in my heart. I watched as one by one they all entered the gates, some physically broken, some mentally. They all needed time to heal as did I.
Bellamy stood strong for me, he offered me forgiveness but I knew it wasn't his to give. I had to find it within my own soul, but each time I asked for it, that forgiveness never came. As I hugged Bellamy and said my goodbyes a part of me wanted to stay, to carry on through this darkness but I never wanted those I cared about to see what I was becoming. There was a dark shadow inside that had begun to take shape, I couldn't stop it, I couldn't fight it. This demon was mine to hold alone and if it dragged me to hell then so be it, but I wouldn't take anyone else with me.
I walked away from what was once my home on the ground to find my way to a solitary existence. Thoughts of my friends, family, Lexa and the dead haunted me. I feared this world had finally broken me, all that remained was a shadow of my former self and the nightmares to come.

I walked for hours through the woods, my mind so clouded by everything that happened. I didn't even know where I was going, I was so desperate to leave Skaikru that it left me completely unprepared. My head wasn't focused on survival, my head wasn't focused at all. Thankfully, instinct had taken control of an otherwise disastrous situation.

Before I knew it I was standing in front of the dropship. Looking around I could still see the charred remains of the grounders that had been killed when we first landed on Earth. They were a stark reminder of how death had seemed to follow me in this life. I couldn't escape it no matter how hard I tried.
Supplies were incredibly sparce here. I'd found some cantina's for water, a small amount of freeze dried food from when we landed and some clothing. The most important item came in the form of a map Kane had brought to the ground showing coordinates of a few additional fallout shelters scattered across the land. Now I had the choice of a destination things didn't seem so bleak. The dropship would suffice as a shelter for the night but I knew Skaikru would come looking for me, it was in their nature. Needless to say, I didn't want to be found.
It wasnt long before the suns rays gave way to night as the haunting sounds of the woods filled the air. I built a fire and sat for a while, holding on tightly to one of the swords I'd retrieved from the burnt corpse of a grounder. The flames flickered and danced, mesmerising me. My thoughts turned to Lexa, her voice echoing in my head. "May we meet again," she uttered before disappearing into the night, leaving me to make that horrific decision that would change me forever.

As the image of her face, blooded from battle flashed in my mind, I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. I wanted to hate her, but my heart wouldn't allow it. I felt sadness and betrayal but not hate. I became angry at myself for still caring, frustrated by the feelings part of me still held for her. I'd started to loose my heart to this warrior woman, she captivated me, inspired me, helped me understand who I truly was. All that destroyed by putting her people before the survival of us all. Would have I made the same decision if I were her? Maybe to some extent I would have, but my head and my heart both have a voice and I would heed their guidance.

Rain began to fall as though the heavens could feel my pain. As I stood to seek shelter inside the dropship. From the doorway I turned to see the the flames of my fire begin to die down, I hoped in turn so would any emotion I had for Lexa. I'm not ready to hate her just yet, but give me time.