For the First Time

Chapter 13

Watching Kyle trying to figure out the cleaning spray is the most fun I've had in a while now. It had been two weeks since he last joined me in my job and Joan kept moving him from one task to another due to his incapability in cooking, doing the dishes, and handling money. And now that he's had enough, he just let him do whatever he wanted to do as long as it's helpful and boy, was it amusing.

"Lillian, table 12.", Tony nudged me and I quickly shook my head, grabbing my notepad out. I thanked him quickly and made my way to the table.

"Turn it around.", I quickly said as I walked passed Kyle right before he sprayed his eyes blind. I heard him sigh in reply and I laughed it off as I proceed with my job to take orders. "Good afternoon. May I take your order?"

The family sitting in front of me was seemingly the happiest family I had ever seen. They were complete. Both parents, a son, and a daughter, all talking and laughing like they didn't have a care in the world. Or must I say, they seemed to be just how my family was. Happy and careless because somehow we thought nothing could bring is down. Well won't you look at us now.

As soon as I smiled at the happy looking family, the daughter, who seemed to be around her toddler age, stopped her laugh and moved closer to her mom as if she just saw a ghost.

"Mom, why does she have no hair? She looks scary", she asked her mom. I was not sure what is it in her words that somehow got me cracked, but it did.

There came that stinging ache right on my chest. The father was trying to stop her from saying mean things, but my breathing was already hard. My mind wandered to the chemotherapy that I had completed just the day before. It was, unfortunately, not better than the first time. It was as if the more money I spent, the more painful it felt. To add the pain, the man in my dream kept beating me harder as soon as they put me to sleep.

"I don't like her. She looks scary. Can't we have another waitress?", the girl whispered, or at least she tried to whisper.

Her words didn't do a good job at calming me down. I felt terribly weak for not being able to stand up for myself. Wake up, Lillian. I kept telling myself, but it was no use. The man kept popping up in my head as if he was ready to take my life away.

I saw Kyle making his way towards me, ready to save the day. However, what I felt was anger. Anger because it will always be him, saving me from my misery. Anger because his action somehow confirmed my fear of being weak.

You are weak, Lillian.

"Shut up.", I murmured slowly. I received lots of whats in response. I wasn't sure who I was saying it to nor why. Was it to myself? Kyle? Or the pure innocent kid? "Shut up.", I said again more clearly this time.

"Lillian...", Kyle's soft voice echoed in my head but I just wanted to push it away. I'm strong. I can do this.

"Stop it, Kyle!", I shouted out of my subconscious. "I'm not weak. I can take care of myself. Stop playing superman in my life!" I tried to take a breath but the look on Kyle's face pushed me back to my consciousness. I shook my head in disbelief of what I just said. Mouth agape, hands covering them as if to stop any more words from blurting out and ruining everything even more.

I was more ashamed of myself in front of Kyle's eyes more than with the situation I was in with all eyes on me.

I whispered a sorry through my trembling lips and ran outside. I ran, not once looking back. And by instinct, I tried to wipe my tears away but there was barely any. Only two or three drops rolled down my cheeks, which was odd to say the least. I'm a crier whether or not that word exists, but the past few weeks, I barely shed any tear.