Outcast

Wednesday

"So... Wednesday then?" Ben softly asks after the brief silence.

"One Hour. 5 Minutes" I recall through gritted teeth. "Psychology. Double Period"

"Psycho... L-O-L-E-Y?"

Ben was dyslexic.

"P-S-Y-C-H-O-L-O-G-Y. Close."

Ben awkwardly smiles

"So uh... Wednesday. Devin was making a point of the human psychology and the brain of a psychopath. Amish laughed and looked at me, then proceeded to mouth psycho at me. I tried to ignore him. I really did Ben. But he just kept at it, he kept doing it. Kept saying it. And then we had to go in partners, no one ever goes with me - but Amish did" I tense and sigh I didn't want to recall what happened "He started asking who I'd killed. Where I'd killed. How I killed. I lightly pushed him, he pushed me back even harder then threw me onto the ground... You've known me since I was 12, you know what happens next."

"I want to hear you say it"

"Ben..."

"Ethan, just-"

My fists tighten, I stand up abruptly and my chair tips backwards. I was not doing this here. I look at the ground; I can sense Ben had his eyes on me. I want to storm out, but Ben had the office with the stupid fucking doors in which he had to buzz you out so there was no chance of escape unless i jumped out the window of the third floor.

Didn't seem like such a bad idea; so what if I fell to my death?

Ben places his pen down and gets up, "I'm going to get a coffee, can I get you anything? Coffee? Water? Tea?" I shake my head "Okay well just... just don't smash any of my stuff whilst I'm gone."

I mock him in my head: Don't smash any of my stuff whilst I'm gone.

Okay Ethan. Everything's cool Ethan. Deep breaths Ethan. You're doing okay Ethan.

Name five things you can see Ethan.

Cup, Pen, Notepad, Chair, Books,

Name four things you can smell, Ethan.

Flowers, Coffee, Aftershave, Lynx,

Name three things you can hear, Ethan.

Birds Chirping, Phones Ringing, Footsteps Stepping,

Touch Two things near you, Ethan.

The Floor. The Window.

It's fine Ethan.

Except it fucking wasn't. Ben was going to come back in here and press on about what happened and it's not like I was going to tell him. He's known me for long enough, he knows what I'm like. I just want to be back in the hotel, sitting on the roof with my feet dangling and watching the world pass me by.

The door opens, Ben emerges with a mug of coffee and a packet of biscuits.

Of course he has fucking food.

"I hope you don't mind, I was rather hungry - impromptu meeting mean't I couldn't eat my lunch." He explains, "not that it's a bad thing you wanted a meeting. You calmer now?"

"Are you going to make me say it out loud?" I ask almost in a whisper

"Aha no. I was just pressuring you. I was pushing buttons to see if you'd crack"

"Thats a risky fucking game Ben"

"You wouldn't hurt me. You're not like that"

"Ben-"

"Yeah you're right. I'll stop." He rustles the packet of cookies, takes one and dunks it into his coffee "Biscuit?"

He swizzles the packet round so the opening was facing me. I hesitate before taking one.

"How's home life Ethan" Ben asks adjusting his tie.

"Same shit different day. Sisters still dating that douche, brothers still drumming and my parents couldn't give less of a shit if they tried"

"And you? Still hiding away in the attic with your books?"

"Hey! There is nothing wrong with hiding away with books. It's like a false sense of reality. It's better than the shit that happens in real life."

"Which book are you on now? Still Linwood Barclay? What was it? Twenty-Two?"

"Twenty-Three"

He looks at his watch. It was an Apple Watch So i don't know if he was looking at a message, or the time. I didn't care.

"Going back to your school-"

"Ben I'm no-"

"I know. I wasn't going to ask. I was going to mention if I emailed them again?"

My phone starts to buzz in my blazer pocket. I take it out and look at it.

"Speaking of which" I hold it out in front of him, he takes it off of me and answers it.

"Hello... No this isn't Ethan... Yeah... I'm Dr. Ben Winterman... Yeah his therapist... I'm with him right now yeah... We're talking... I see. Mhm... Well of course yes but.... I understand that yes... Maybe if i came in and had a meeting?... Tuesday? Uh yeah let me just get my diary?" Ben shuffles around his desk finding a blue notebook with post-it notes sticking out of it. "Yeah Tuesday 10am... Okay yep. Bub-bye now."

"Mr. Richmonds?"

"Seems like a posh guy. But you're excluded till tuesday when we have a meeting."

"S'not shocking is it"

"Ethan bud-"

"I should be going."

"Eth-"

"Ben. Door. Please."

He looks at me and taps the button to buzz the door open. I was done. Excluded, again? I act like it doesn't bother me but it really fucking did. What was I going to do? Camp out at the hotel? Either way I'm going back there.

**

5.44pm

I throw my book onto my bed. Always the endings that are either immensely shit or stupidly amazing. This was a mix of both.  I hadn't eaten, and it didn't bother me, I didn't want to see my family. I could hear them arguing downstairs, I didn't know what it was about and frankly, i couldn't care less.

"Ethan get your fucking ass down here now" My mother shouts.

I spring into action and run down the stairs.

"Oh, he lives" The douche my sisters dating comments as i walk into the room.

"Why have i got another letter from the school? You're excluded? Again? This is unacceptable. Why can't you just be a normal fucking family member. Why aren't you like your siblings? Obviously you're stupid therapy sessions aren't doing shit. We're paying for that and it's not even worth it-"

"You're not paying for it. No one's paying for it. It's free healthcare. And so fucking what I'm excluded again? Not like you bother to notice me. Too fucking busy playing candy crush."

"Don't you dare fucking swear at me young man. Do not speak to me like a piece of dirt on your fucking shoe. I am your mother and you should show me some fucking respect."

I turn and walk away, nothing was worth this. I was going to harm her one day. I could see it. I wanted to stop all the stupid fucking shouting, all the stupid fucking arguing. All the hypocrisy. One for one and another for another.

I smash my fist into the wall, I didn't have a normal response to shit. Most people had drugs/alcohol me? I'd break bones, release tension in my arms. I needed to sort my shit out. I just couldn't. No matter how much help I had.

I grab a rucksack, stuff in some clean clothes, grab my keys and shuffle down the windows. We had a relatively big car park so I had no problem getting my pushbike out. To the hotel I guess.

One day Ethan, you'll be normal like the rest of them.