Heartbreakers (To Be Published)

Chapter 4

Jami

January 13, 2003

I'm having a baby. I'm having Ash's baby to be more specific. As I lie here with this iv in my arm and chewing on these ice chips, I'm not sure what hurts more these contractions or my heart breaking knowing this will be the last time I see him.

My nurse tries to comfort me while I wait for my case manager to arrive. I think I've been crying for hours because it's all just too much.

I fell like someone is cutting me open, my heart is being ripped out and slowly acid is being poured where it used to be. I didn't even feel like myself let alone human, my grief is breaking from me like a wild animal. I know when it comes time to sign the papers it will take everything in me to scribble out a letter.

What's happening to me right now is an out-of-body experience.  If you've ever read Macbeth, you may remember the scene where Lady Macbeth stares at her hands, seeing the blood that can never be washed away.

My case manager Susan walks in and my tears continue to flow harder. She is the only person in my corner. She has laid everything out for and my choice for my baby was the one I can live with. Walking over to my bed she smiles but its weak because she knows my heart is breaking. I think hers is too. I can't image how she feels being here with me when she and her husband have tried to get pregnant for the past 10 years.

"I tried to get here as fast as I could. How are things going?" Brushing my sweat soaked bangs from my face.

I'm trying to breathe. In and out. In and out. Those classes they made me take didn't prepare me for this.

"Tons of pain all over. The nurse checked me and says I'll be ready to push soon..." Tears start all over again as a contraction tries to gut me. I roll to my side holding on to the bed rail while Susan rubs my arms.

The nurse walks over to check me.

"All right cupcake. Let me get the doctor, because we are ready to roll." Whipping her gloves off, she heads for the door to leave.

Panic rolls through me. My tears become a tsunami. Holding in the pain causing my contractions to intensify. Susan tries to comfort me, but no one can. I doubt they ever will again. I'm closer to letting him go. My baby boy. The last thread that holds me to Ash.

The doctor and nurses come in my room. It time to welcome my baby into the world, but it feels like a death march.

1.2..3...4....5.....6......7.......8........9.........10.........Push

1.2..3...4....5.....6......7.......8........9.........10.........Push

  1.2..3...4....5.....6......7.......8........9.........10.........Push

The sound of his tiny little voice as he cries takes me over the edge. The doctor places him on my chest and  I cry along with him. It's like we are crying for each other. He knows my heart better than anyone.  The nurse takes him away to clean him up before placing in back into my arms.

I can't give him anything but my love. So that's what I do for the next couple of hours. I hold him and shower him with kisses and all the love I know how to give because I want to remember this for the rest of my life. How it feels to hold him. How if feels to know that for a moment in time he was all mine.

  Happy Birthday, Ash! Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy! 

###

After signing the papers, I felt like my writing hand was somehow not entirely part of my body. I looked at it as if it were a foreign object, remembering when it signed my baby away, though every fiber of my being cried out against it.  But in the end what I did was for him. My Alijah. My son. My Love!!!

It seemed like the best idea I could come up with to save his life. No matter how many pieces my heart was shattering into, I had to let him go. The counselors keep telling me to be strong for both of us, and that peace will come over time. I'm trying to just get through each day without jumping off the next bridge I cross. I knew it would come to this, but I lived in a fantasy world that I could hold on to him forever. What seemed like a good idea turned into something that is slowly killing me. I could have faced my fears and held on to him, but where would that get the both of us in the end?

I held him in my arms, said "I'm sorry," kissed his lips and walked away. I promised them I would never ask any questions about him.

I'm a fool.

I'm a fool for him.

I know he will always carry the beat of my heart with him. That's what I hold on to every night that I cry myself to sleep. He was mine, and now he isn't. I won't ever tell anyone how I feel. This is never going to be easy to get over. My heart belongs to him. A little love is better than none. I hope he can remember that always. I pray he remembers me, but that isn't likely. A girl can dream. But I will love him forever as long as I have breath in my body. I'm bound to him. But I'm not fine at all. I wish I could wake up with amnesia and forget about how I feel right now and for the rest of my life.