Heartbreakers (To Be Published)

Chapter 6

Ash

August 2003

I can't breathe. My world is falling apart so quickly that I can't do anything at all. After I read that note, her note, I imploded. How could she do this to me? How could she not tell me? Fuck, we have a child together. A CHILD! Something as big as this needed to be told in person and not in some letter. We have a son. No! I have a son. My head starts to swim with thoughts and questions that I can't answer myself.

For the past few weeks, it is all I can do to run through the memories and motions every day. I get up, go to meals, run errands for Mom. Honestly, I don't know how I have survived.

I am vaguely aware of Mom calling me from downstairs. I make no effort to get out of bed. She wants me to go to church with the family. I have no idea why. It's not like God is there. There is no reason for us to go to a big stuffy building and listen to the off pitched old birds singing above the crowds.

Suddenly Meghan appears in my doorway. "Get up. You are wasting away in self-pity. It's pathetic. Be an adult," she snaps at me. I just look at her. How could she say these things? Does she not care how much pain I am in right now?

She seems to realize the sting that her words have left on my soul. "Look, I didn't mean that, okay? It's just that I am really worried about you. Please get up. You will feel better, I know it!"

I look at her now. I mean really look at her. I have known Meghan for almost half of her life. Her parents were just too young to give her a proper upbringing so they gave her away. She had been bouncing from home to home for years when she finally landed with us at age four. Her first day in the house, she told me I looked like a Luke Skywalker. We have been inseparable ever since.

As she stands in my doorway looking at me with those big emotion filled eyes, I attempt an encouraging smile.

"Consider me up," I tell her. Relief floods her features.

"I'll be just down the hall if you need me," she backs up as she says this, never breaking eye contact. Finally, she closes my door and I hear her little feet flee down the hallway to the room that she shared with Jami last year. Jami. The pain returns making it almost unbearable to move. I know I must push through since I promised Meghan I would.

I push myself up onto my elbows and manage to remove the comforter from my body. What once was strong and covered in muscles seems to have evaporated overnight. I cannot think about how weak I have become or how beaten down I feel. I must simply put on the clothes that mom has laid out for me.

I scoff at how to put together I look when I finally finish getting dressed. The person looking at me looks almost honorable. He looks like someone you would strive to be, someone you would want to be a mentor to your child. How ironic that I have been given these looks but inside I have only bitterness and self-hatred to share.