Heartbreakers (To Be Published)

Chapter 5

Jami

June 2003

I turn the corner of the cereal aisle and stare into the green eyes that have haunted my dreams since I was 16. "Sweet shit," I whisper.

"Oh sorry, I didn't see you," he says.

Him.

It's him.

Over a year ago, Ash was the first face I saw every morning and the last face I saw when I feel asleep at night. I didn't deserve his love. I couldn't get enough of him because he was all I wanted and needed. But I wasn't good enough for him.

I remember how his eyes use to light up when I entered a room. Like green fireworks. He was my fairy tale. My dream come true. He never judged me for any of the horrible shit I told him that happened to me growing up in foster care. He always loved me, but not anymore. I broke his heart. I know this.

When I turn to walk away he grabs my wrist forcing me to look into my eyes. I'm pleading with the gods that we will not recognize me and just let me walk away. But I know Ash he is going to keep searching. As he stares me, my heart breaks. Again!!!

"JAMI!" He beams from ear to ear. Then his face drops. "Wait, where have been for the past 19 months? I mean shit, you didn't even say goodbye or leave a note. I came home from work, and mom and dad said you had been moved. I didn't believe them. You wouldn't do that to me. To us!"

I look down at my wrist, which he is still holding on to. He takes notice and drops his hand. I take a step back and straighten my stance to look him in those beautiful green eyes I missed so much.

" I had to leave. I needed a new start." I tell him coldly. I have to keep a stone cold expression or he will see right through me, as he always did.

"I tried calling you for weeks and you never returned my calls. Why? What happened that was so bad you wouldn't talk to me? You just ran Jami. you just shut me out. We are in love. I mean were in love," Ash says.

I'm breaking him all over again. this what I tried to avoid. "I have to go," I say and turn to walk away. I take 10 steps, turn to him with one tear rolling down my cheek, and mouth "I'm sorry."

Before I know it I'm running for the parking lot where Susan is waiting for me. As I shut the door, I hear a knock on the passenger window. As I stare straight ahead, Susan says,"Jami, what's happening?"

"It's Ash!" I whisper.

Susan gasps and says, "do you want me to roll down the window?"

I can't catch my breath. All I can get out is a simple "I don't care." But I do care. I care more than anyone will ever know.

Susan rolls down the window and Ash says, "Call me, please? We need to talk," he slips a piece of paper into my lap and walks away.

As she pulls out of the parking lot, I glance into my passenger rear view seeing that Ash is still plastered in the same spot we left him as we drive away. I wonder what's going through his mind. Seeing him has made all the old wounds slash open.

###

I'm shaking like a metal roof during a tornado. What I'm about to do and say is going to wreck Ash. I take the envelope that has his name on it and flip it over and over in my hands. What's written in the letter is going to rock his world, but it's for the best and he needs to know the truth. No one can tell him the truth but me. I don't want anyone to tell him what it's my responsibility to.

Walking into the post office I'm still shaking, but I'm starting to calm because, in reality, I'm doing the right thing. I've done so much wrong in the past. In order for me to move forward, I need to make things right.

I press my lips the letter, take a deep breath dropping it in the outgoing mail slot.

I walk back to the car where Susan and her husband are waiting. As I step in I look over to Susan as she smiles at me.

"It's for the best honey. He will read it and be hurt for a bit, but in the end, he will understand."

"I know. And I feel like I should have told him in person. The letter says everything I'm afraid to." I pop in my ear buds and pick a song from my iPod playlist. Something dark to match my mood.

We drive down towards the interest headed to Alabama. My new home. I can't believe I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I can fix my life. I can pave a way for me where I'm not making huge mistakes and hurting people.

So the NEW Jami will be who she always wanted to be. University of Montevallo here I come.