1993 ♡ | Keith Powers A.U [ COMPLETE ] Editing

Why I deactivated daddy.appreciation, my feelings and my truth

My chest is pounding so hard because I'm scared to post this I feel like I'm just going to get bashed called a liar and made fun of. I did not make this for pitty.

I thought I was better, but I was obviously wrong. Last year was one of my worst years and the hardest to deal with. I was really dealing with depression and anxiety bad to the point where I didn’t want to do anything that I loved doing like writing, painting and creative things. I was really having a problem with loving myself and seeing my self-worth and beauty. I was self-harming on the regular and distancing myself from my friends.  All I wanted to do was sleep my life always I spent most of my night crying so hard to a point where I could not breath I wanted to die so bad. I took countless amounts of random pills I found in my grandmas medicine bag which didn’t do much but make me really sick. I imagined killing myself so much. I felt so unwanted and unpretty, I was dealing with an alcoholic drug addicted mother and I felt as if I had nowhere to go. I love my mom so much and I would never do anything to get her in trouble. Sometimes she can be very verbally abusive and only physically abusive when she’s drunk. My mother had a friend guy friend who was a few years older than me. He was a guy I looked up to as a big brother, I felt as if I could talk to him. He used to come over every other day and listen to my poetry and writing. Things started to get kind of weird between him and I, We would ride to the store together and he would ask me weird questions that sometime made me uncomfortable and would say weird things to me.  One night I was asleep in my mom’s room while she was out getting drunk and doing her thing. I heard some noises in the room and I jumped up to see him sitting in a chair on the side of the bed. I was really confused. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 2 in the morning. I don’t want to get into the full story of what happened that night but I was sexually assaulted. This really ruined me so much. Myself esteem was crushed even more and I felt even more shitty about myself. Earlier that year around the end of the school year I had cut all my hair off, I wanted to go natural and I thought it would help me a little more with my confidence. I have always dealt with feeling unpretty and loving myself, I have always been bullied really bad and teased about my weight my smile and many other flaws. Over the summer I didn’t know what to do. I just felt like a waste of space.

But one  day I decide I wanted to make  a new fan page for an actor that I was really getting into you guys know… Keith powers. When I made the page I started to actually feel happy again. Keith would notice me here and there and that made me feel good about myself. I was making friends and I was really loving what I was doing. As my page grew and grew I made more and more friends. I was in this group chat with a bunch of other girls that I really thought were so awesome and cool. I later made my own group chat added a few of the girls and some new people. I loved my fanpage it was my safe place it made me happy it made me feel like I had a place to belong even if that may sound so stupid and cliché. The happiest day of my life was February 7 2017 the day Keith followed me. I felt so good.. I left like I wasn’t a waste of space because someone who I truly adored appreciated me. I had gotten back to writing something I loved doing and I was writing a story called 1993. I was proud of 1993 even though I had my mess ups thought-out the story.

 

A month or months Later I was started to feel bad because of family issues and I ended up leaving the group chat. After a while a girl who was in the chat informed me that I was being talked about and she sent me screens shots (I still have screenshots of everything almost everyone has said about me) when I saw the stuff I was so hurt because I was already down and I really thought I was friends with those people well one of the girls at least. They were basically bashing my story I know that this may seem like a little reason to be upset with someone but It really hurt my feelings. The messages said stuff like “She’s almost 19 and doesn’t know her grammar,” “ I wonder how she does on her state essays” “ She probably fails.” I took those comments to heart and ended up blocking girls without saying anything and it started a huge issue. I unblocked one of the girls and told her how I felt about the situation, maybe I should have done that instead of blocking her and I was told I’m “too sensitive” and I shouldn’t have taken the situation to heart., and I guess maybe she was right. I made a post about how I felt after wards spilling some personal information about myself and was called a liar because of it. After this incident everything went downhill for me. I got a bunch of hate pages made and people dming me calling me fat and ugly and telling me to die. I felt like shit because I made the page to get away from all that. And when I made post to defend myself everyone told me I was starting drama or something Like that even thought I felt like I was defending myself, I even apologized And stopped post what people were saying about me. I’ve never been the type of person to be hard and tough. Ive always been very sensitive and emotional, I’m seen as weak by so many people. I’m really nice to everyone in my opinion and I’ve never tried to make anyone feel bad about themselves. Yes I post about yazz in a joking manner but he’s a celebrity with millions of fans and doesn’t care about me and my silly jokes I’ve even admitted that yazz is kind of cute. I’ve poked fun at bella throne as well but never have I called her “white trash” or “ugly” but it seems as if people are going to keep saying I did, I’m going to be called a liar regardless of what I say.  Yes I’ve called her trash because she does racist and fucked up things and I’ve pointed that out so many times.

 

 

So many people had already picked who side they were on from the situation and a lot of people did not like me at all. More hate pages popped up and more rude dms.

 

After a while the drama died down some and I got a message from one of the girls on a page I didn’t recognize. We basically talked about the situation we unblocked each other and ended up re following each other again. When the drama was big a recent there was Nick name floating around about me and I was being called the Donald trump of the fandom and the same nickname resurfaced after the drama was kinda squashed. I made a post and said “bitches are so fake” because it made me annoyed.  Because someone posted calling the nickname me that using a clip from the bgc saying that’s what they were gonna do to me that’s why I made the post. I said bitches because people who follow me and be on my page liked the post. So that what I was talking about but that turned into drama so the one I had just made up with snapped on me when I wasn’t even talking about her. One of their friends wanted to end the beef I guess and put us all in a group chat were we tried talking which barley worked because I was basically just called a liar the whole time but at the end we some what apologized to each other. I was the first to sat sorry because that’s just how I am and that’s one reason why I’m always called weak. I rather not have beef though. During the chat they told me a girl who I was really closed to was talking about me and that really hurt. I had unfollowed the girl already because I was recently informed about her talking about me. I don’t really know how but we all feel out again so the group chat was useless. A day late I think, I got a called from the girl who was supposedly talking about me and I haven’t spoken to her in months., she asked me why I unfollowed her and I told her what happened and that I was informed she was talking about me. She told me that wasn’t true at all and went to the person who told me that and asked them why they said that causing them to get into a huge argument that I was put in. I made a post saying why do people use someone’s personal problems against them and she came on my page and went off assuming me and the girl were on the phone talking about her when all we did was discuss the situation and explain our sides of the story. After this happened everything was a mess. I was fed up. I went in my dms and saw more rude stuff and people calling me out my name so I deactivated. I See now that everyone is much happier with my account gone.. I’ve seen all the post people celebrating and stuff. But I wanted to make this post not for pity or anything because I’m done with the page for a while and maybe forever I still love Keith though so much. I don’t care who believes me anymore I don’t care, I just want to say what happened and explain myside even though people are going to believe what they want to believe, I don’t understand why I’m getting hate by people over drama that doesn’t even have anything to do with them. I definitely did not make this post to argue with anyone so cuss me out call me fat and greasy tell me to kill myself I don’t care.  I’m sorry I’m sensitive and I’m sorry if you feel like I start drama. I have been going through so much and my saft place isn’t safe anymore. Today was honestly the worse. I’m done.