I stare at it again, the list I'd made he write and the now smudged lipstick that stained the paper. It's all over everything, she got my tattoo removed. People thought it was a new one to cover the now stupid tattoo idea. But when she took the gauze off it was just red there was nothing there anymore. I'd gotten her lipstick print tattooed against my bicep. That's where she reaches on me so that where most of her kisses were planted. "Whatcha doing?" Lauren pokes her head in.
"Nothing," I set the old piece of paper down on the dresser and look at the picture of my family. Back when we were eighteen, when we were still young while our kids were just babies. CJ wasn't even a possibility and Angelina was only a thought, we were so happy.
"Don't be so upset," her arms wrap around my waist. "You could still talk to your kids, but it's Reese I worry about." She sighs looking at her face in the picture she's scratched out. "I'm not her Shawn and you know that," I cut her off.
"I don't need you to be her, you are you and you're perfect that way." I kiss her softly.
"Now come on the kids are waiting." She smiles walking out of the room. I have eight kids, two with Lauren and six with Reese. I would have nine but Lauren and I lost a baby, she figured it was karma for what she did to Reese and promised herself she wouldn't interfere with anything else like that again. She also admitted to being the one who hit Reese on the day we were supposed to be remarried. Although I have been able to forgive her for the brutal things she's done to me and my past family.
"Daddy," my daughter Cameron crosses her arms. I didn't name her after Cameron Dallas just like Lauren thinks, she's named after Reese. When she was born I was still slightly depressed about loosing Reese and my family. "Matthew is already gonna start eating you've gotta hurry." She huffs. Matthew my little boy was yet again named after Reese. I admit I miss her and some days I just sit in my room staring at old pictures, I don't follow her on social media anymore and I've blocked her from all of mine. Before I left I even blocked anything about me from their computer and all of their electronics. Justin's been doing it for me since they started getting newer things.
"Come on," I lift her high in the air and she giggles a loud giggle. She reminds me a lot of Mercy, all she wants are hugs and cuddles.
"Matthew." Cameron scolds as her brother lays himself across his chair and mine. "Sit up daddy's here," she whines.
"I'll eat with you guys but I'm gonna go out for a run after ok?" I look at Lauren.
"Cam, will you be ok going to bed without daddy tonight?" Lauren questions our six year old daughter.
"Nu-uh," she shakes her head shoveling food into her mouth.
"Will you be out long?" Lauren gives me a small sigh.
"An hour at most," I shrug.
"Just go now," she shrugs. "It won't be too long past her bed time." She gives me a nod while I kiss her temple and then the cheeks of my two kids.
"I'll be back soon," I wave and walk towards the room to change. Nights here are hot, and I mean hot the jeans and muscle shirt I'm wearing now would be too much. It's kinda annoying because running back home I could wear some sweats and a t-shirt and be comfortable and now I have to wear shorts and most of the time I can't wear a shirt but I always start with one on.
"Bye bye daddy," Cameron waves from the diner table where they all sit in silence.
"Bye dada," Matthew is only three years old. And I've promise myself to do everything with these kids that I didn't do with my other ones. I feel like I messed up when it came to parenting them. It was mainly Reese, but I am really proud of what they've become. I've hired private investigators to watch my kids, my older ones that is I was never really a part of CJ's life and there's always lots of news about him all over the internet, so I know what I need to. And Angelina never really had been my kid, even when we first got her I was distant because I really kinda despise the idea of adoption. I love the idea of giving an orphan a new home but I don't like the idea of adopting a child if his or her birth parents are still around.
"Bye," I finish tying the laces of my shoes kissing their cheeks and Lauren's lips. I want to be a better husband and a better father for this new family of mine. They're kinda like my shot at a restart, and I really need that shot. I know Angelina loved the depressing songs I wrote at the very beginning of this separation because I missed them all so much and I just felt like I completely betrayed them but now even if I still do have a little bit of a guilty feeling constantly nagging me in the back of my head, I'm happy again. Lauren and I never fight and Reese and I fought rarely but it happened and they were bad. I'd threatened her with divorces before but when she offered me one, I still remember her face. She sobbed, she was so very upset and I didn't do anything. After eighteen ish years of marriage, she cried for days for the last few hours I was with her she to,d the kids to talk to me to hang out with me before everything changed but they didn't want to. I watched her she laid on the bed and sobbed, I can remember do vividly laying behind her. She jumped the second I touched her and all I really remember from the memory I've tried so hard to suppress was her sobbing against my chest while we snuggled together on the bed for the last time.
I can also vividly remember the day ten years ago when I left them. Angelina was so mad at me, but I really truly remember the last time I held them both in my arms. Their soft skin the touch of Reese's soft lips against my cheek and the soft hug my baby girl gave to me. She's not a baby anymore, from what Geoff tells me she has a boyfriend. The same kid that talked to her on her first day of school, the only friend she had until high school apparently. He also tells me that her and Reese are always fighting, that she yells at her mom about being the one who drove p me away and I'm the reason they have to live a fatherless life. Ian tells me that she never did move on and that there are still nights she calls him late in tears complaining about how much she misses me. And it kills me to say this but I really don't miss her as much as I should. I was beyond depressed when I first left her, I texted her constantly with the new number I had to get, I'd call her to see how the kids were but I could never talk to them. But after me and Lauren started trying to conceive she wasn't as big a deal to me anymore. I missed her still and I'd text her once or twice a week and we'd have short conversations but soon that died too. Then it was just me Lauren and our baby to be. She faded from my mind after that.
"You're late?" Lauren crosses her arms. "Cam is really mad at you," she shakes her head.
"I'm sorry, I was thinking." I explain.
"About what?" She pats the spot next to her on our couch.
"Everything," I give her a shrug. "I took Reese for granted." I sigh, it's true. She did so much for me and I never thought anything of it. "I'm not gonna treat you guys the same." I lean my head against hers.
