Diary of a broken soul

Chapter 5

May 24,2006

I can't sleep. We had a talk today, all of the people in the camp went, I stayed close to Belle the whole day. This talk changed my life.

This woman started to talk about society, not in the typical way, she said that we support their ideas somehow, because we obviously agree with them at least in one thing. This didn't change me that much, but when she asked "What do you really want for your life? Who do you want to be? Do you feel handsome/pretty because society says, because you fit in society's ideals, or because you feel special, different? Do you love or hate someone because they do too? Why do you hate this kind of people? Who made you think life that?

Most of us answered society."

She is right. Most of our ideas were modified at some point in our lives. Many people think some aren't pretty because of all the models, or famous people we see, not because they really think they are ugly.

Another example can be that many people love grey eyes, but why? When I ask them why, they just stay quiet. "Because they are special" but that's what everybody thinks, everybody thinks that brown eyes are just boring or even ugly because they are something common in many people, but most of them are special in some way, but they just can't see behind society's thoughts. People that don't follow this society's rules are weird, and most of them get bullied for being who they are, that's why many people pretend to be okay with what society taught us. They are scared of rejection, they don't have enough courage to find people that think like them, because there aren't that many.

But why are people bullied? Why do people make fun of other people? Most of the bullies follow the leader because they are scared of rejection! We are all scared of rejection, nobody wants to be alone, but it's not okay to pretend to be someone you are not. It's not worth it to spend your whole life wanting more, or wanting to be someone else or have something you don't. It's not worth it to be a robot like the rest of them, but we're all part of society, even if we don't want to.

Life is too short to live it without joy.

I met a lot of people today, all of them hid their pain behind the smiles or laughs. I finally saw this girl named Hope, we talked for some minutes about this, but Belle came and wanted me to go with her to some place. I didn't get to meet her properly, but she seems nice. She's not ugly or fat at all, I don't understand why my friends say she is. I want her to be my friend, a close friend, she seems to be that kind of girl that listens and that truly cares about people. I don't know, maybe I'm just imagining things.

I gave Belle the drawing, she loves it. She said it is the perfect gift, and then hugged me. We were about to kiss, but no. We didn't have a lot of time together, and it wasn't a good/cute place to have our first kiss as a couple. Also, I think she told me once she wanted to have her first kiss with me, so she hasn't kissed anyone yet, I'd be the first one, so it has to be special for her, she deserves something perfect.

I told her we don't have to hurry up with our relationship, that we have a lot of time to have the perfect kiss. She understood, but she was disappointed too, she wants to have it now, but I don't think she would love to say her first kiss was in a camp for depressed people, it wouldn't be cute. If I ever recover I would hate to remember this camp, or anything that reminds me to depression. Depression helped me to become a better person but it made my life worse. It used to be a happy life where I smiled and laughed daily, where I didn't care that much about what other people thought about me. Then it came, and now I'm a different person.

May 25,2006

Belle made many friends today. Apparently, there is no time for me now. I don't care if she likes to hang out with her friends but she is ignoring me, she can walk beside me and still don't even smile at me. I'm not angry, just disappointed. Is she angry because I didn't want to kiss her yesterday?! That is the dumbest thing ever, is that even a reason to get mad? We've been dating for a week, it's too soon to have a kiss! I don't understand her, it would be really stupid if she is angry because of that. I don't think she is angry, though. Maybe she just wants to meet new people or have more friends. She told me weeks ago her one of her biggest dreams or wishes is to be popular, to have many friends, or that many people love her. It's sad that she doesn't realize she's living that wish, she has many friends, all of them love her. Everybody knows her name. She wants more.

I'd talk with her, but today I'm too tired. Depression is slowly coming back, it is like before, innocent. I'm really tired, all I want to do is sleep all day without any interruption, all I want to do is to dream about everything I've done, decisions I've made, words I've said. Unfortunately, I can't sleep, so I'm here, lying on my uncomfortable bed, waiting for dreams to come. It's 6 pm but I just can't keep my eyes open, it's impossible. I hate it when I want to sleep and I try and try but I just can't. 

The first time depression hit me was weird. I felt so tired all the time, but really tired, it didn't matter if I slept about 10 hours, I still felt really tired, after my dad found out I had it, he was really scared when I was sleeping, he thought I was depressed again, but no. My mom was too sick to do anything.