Survivors Guilt (edited version!)

Chapter 5: memory

*Unedited* please take note of that cover!

Once upon a time, when I was littler, my parents began fighting. It started out little arguments that would break out every now and again, but like everything, it only grew worse.

I would lay awake in bed most nights listening to the shouting that went on below me. Any little thing would set them off. My school, my horse riding lessons, food, money. It was like they used any excuse to have a go at each other.

They attempt to be the good parents and act nice and happy for my sake, hiding their fighting as best they could.

I came from a neighbourhood where very little of the kids had divorced parents. In fact, there was only one girl in my grade with separated parents. I knew what was happening though. Have you ever had that feeling where you know what's happening, but never actually expect it to happen?

That's how I felt. The fighting went on for months, getting worse every day. It wasn't until that day that it stopped. The fighting ceased.

I had woken up to a surprise visit to the stable I rode at. My father was there, and he looked generally happy, same with mom. We had entered the stable, and in a pair of crossties, sat the most beautiful bay ever imaginable.

I remember asking who's horse it was, thinking it was a new boarder or something. Then my father had replied that it was mine.

Royal stood at 16hh, only a six year-old, she had a lot of energy, but my nine-year-old self persisted.

That night, my parents were auguring down stairs as I lay in bed, forcing my mind to think of anything else beside the echo of angry voices seeping through the carpeted floor. I clutched an old stuff dog by the name of Barney to my chest, my brain thinking of Royal and all we could accomplish.

It wasn't until I heard the footsteps on the staircase that I walked over my door. My father passed in a hurry, rushing into the room he shared with mum, even though I knew for a fact that they had been taking turns to sleep on the couch.

I rushed into their room to see a suitcase spread out on the bed, already piled into it as he zipped it shut.

"Daddy? Daddy where are you going?" I had always been a daddy's girl, so you can imagine how hard it hurt me when he pushed past me and hurried down the stairs. I ran down a moment later, only to see the front door being slammed shut.

"Dad!" I attempted to run out the door as my mum held me back, tears running down her face.

For ages I had wished that my dad would come back home. I was nine or ten at the time; I could have wished for anything. I chose to wish for my dad.

I started to invest a lot of time into Royal. A month or two after, I had a lesson. I went while mum stayed at home. A girl at the barn had picked me up and dropped me off as usual. I had had a bad lesson on Royal, so I was not in a particurly happy mood as I trudged up the stairs to my room.

When I got there, a note lay on my purple pillow case.

Dear Fern,

I'm sorry I didn't get to see you today. I hope you are having fun with your horse, Royal, and I hope to see you and her on the show circuit one day. I may not be around anymore Fern, but I love you so much. We can have a father-daughter trip to New York this summer, it'll be great.

Love you always,

Dad.

I had gone into mum's room after discovering the letter, only to find all of dads closets open and completely empty.

I had held out on that trip as a promise. It never happened. My father disappeared out of my life for good, no phone number, no address, no nothing.

So I turned to a different knowledge. My father was dead. It was that, or believe that he didn't love me and forgot about me. What would you choose?

A couple of years later, my mother admitted to me that Royal was a gift from my father.

I started to show royal, first in your typical country shows, but when I discovered she had a real love and talent for jumping, I switched to them. Of course, we then gradually moved to three-day-events, although always sticking to the showjumping as best we could.

We were on top of the world. I forgot my father, no need to dwell in what had been, right? Until one day, I realised I didn't want him to find me. How would a cut ever heal if you kept picking at the scab?

So Fern Ashley was born. Of course, it would take him mere moments to work out who I was, if he remembered my middle name and hair colour.

In a way, I appreciate that change in name a lot more now. If it was that way, it means it was Fern Ashely who had the accident. Fern Ashely who showed. Fern Ashley was me, but she was entirely different.

I could be whoever I wanted to be with Fern Ashley.

Hello! So This chapter doesn't have a lot to do with the main storyline, I just decided I should post so,etching but horses chapters seem to take forever to write, so here you go.
Will have a horse chapter up within the next couple of days, so enjoy this one for now.
~Nadi
P.s. We reached 100 reads! Thank you guys so much!
PPS, what cover? The one that's on now or the one on the side?