Regret

Chapter 6: Losing you

I seen it coming. I could have stopped it so long ago. I could have told you everything on my mind. Pour my heart out and let you know that you are the only thing important to me. I should have stopped it when I could. Because now I spend my nights looking at the ceiling and wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

At one in the morning my mind is racing with ways I can fix my wrongs. Hopelessly wishing I'm just trapped in some horrible nightmare and when I wake up you'll be beside me and things would be the same. But that will never happen. The chances of me ever holding you close and being able to kiss you goodnight again are one in a million. My mind knows that you'll never be mine again but my heart is blind and instead beats faster at every mention of your name.

My heart has a death grip on to the very slim chance that we could one day be together again. Why did I wait to tell you how much I love you? Why did I sit around and pretend I didn't care. I was hurting you and I never stopped to fix it.

I don't deserve you and I never will deserve you. I don't deserve to be your number one. I don't deserve the right to call you mine. You placed me on a pedestal and treated me as royalty and I cold heartedly threw it in the trash as if it meant nothing. It meant everything to me. You are my world and I failed at proving that to you. Everything you did for me never went unappreciated but now I realize that I wasn't any good at showing you my appreciation.

I regret losing you more than anything in the world. The pain of not being able to call you mine is unlike any other. I wish I could have realized this sooner. That I would have stopped myself from ruining what we had. I know that I'm too late. That you're in love with someone else now. That I should just move on and act like we never happened. But I can't. I can't pretend you meant nothing. I can't pretend that what we had wasn't the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I can't pretend that I don't love you.

So instead I'll sit awake each night and feel the regret fill my lungs. I'll desperately wish to go back in time and hold you closer. I'll whisper how much I miss you when you're not listening. I'll let you think you're only a friend when all I want to do is scream how much more you are to me. Regret is my best friend and it'll continue to envelope me every time I think of you.

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~Bruised_warrior