Regret

Chapter 1: Him

I don't think I ever regreted him. I just regret not telling him. I let my own fear come between us. Maybe if I told him, I wouldn't miss him like this. I wouldn't have his name engraved in my brain. His face forever stuck in my mind. I wouldn't hate every song on the radio because it reminds me of him. But the key word here is maybe.

That maybe is what stopped me. I want my life back. I no longer feel happiness because he has turned into my reason to smile. It really sucks when someone becomes your happiness because without them you feel like nothing. I kept my mouth shut when I was asked about him. I faked a smile when he was with her again. I don't regret him. I regret my own doing. I left without clouser. And now I'm left wondering what if. That's the worst part of this all. I keep asking myself what if? It's too late for answers and that's something I'm force to deal with. Maybe next time I find someone like him, I'll remember these feelings and just speak.

Names, age and time isn't important in this case. All there is to know is we were good friends before these dumb feelings came about. He wasn't a bad guy. It's not just me saying that because I fell for him. But because it is the truth. He was sincere with people. Yes, he had his flaws but we all have them. He seemed like a prince to girls. He had the dreamy eyes, the sparkling smile, the goofiness girls liked. He was something from a perfect cliche teen novel. To say any girl that dated him was lucky was a massive understatement.

Back then the school was so small everyone was friends with everyone in their grade level. He only sat a few seats away from me, though we never really talked. My friend introduced us. I remember taking one look at him and knowing there was something different about him. At the cliche thought I happily made friends with him. Everyone in class did. As the school year progressed so did our friendship.

Oddly I felt happier every time I spoke with him. I refused to think anything of it. But the question soon caught up to me. My wonderful friend popped the question I was dreading most. Did we like each other? Yeah big deal right? But realization hit me hard when she asked that. Once we denied any feelings for each other, the question was circling my brain constently. Did I feel something for him? But if I did he had already denied it, unless he lied as well at the awkward question. That part I would never know. It became a nagging subject in my brain. The more I spent time with him the more I wanted to know a truthful answer. Whether it'd be an answer I didn't want to hear or an answer I was dying to hear. I just needed to stop wondering "what if?"

Of course fear took control of me though. I let fear make me into a nervous wreck around him. I could never tell him my true feelings. He was caught up in his back and forth relationship. Sometimes I hate him for not realizing what was in front of him. Shouldn't he have seen how deeply I loved him? Everyone else evidently saw it. Though I denied it multiple times, only one person knew the full truth. That person managed to see through my façade and know I was completely in love. They were willing to keep my secret and also help me get some answers to ease my burning curiosity. Even so I never got my answer. After I moved thousands of miles away, I finally realized my mistakes. Dream after dream the regret grows. As it builds up in me I continue hating love. It's what got me into this mess. All it is, is a one way ticket to regret.

I can't stand the fact I never even got to say goodbye. I regret not telling him my final goodbye. But he ran from me. He ran away first and so I ran before he could return. It pained the hell out of me to not turn back and even still I find myself dying to run back to him. But I know it's only my own regret. I can't even think clearly when he's on my mind. Everything I do always comes back to me wishing he was beside me. If missing somebody this much could kill you- I'd been dead the minute I left him. Now all I'm left with is hope. Hope that maybe one day I'll find another like him. Hope that I'll speak up the next time I'm in this situation. Maybe this is a lesson we all learn. Whether we learn it the easy or hard way, we all learn it. My best advise is to speak up, but don't go in with full hope. Acceptance is the key. Accept the fact that it might not be what you hoped for. Enjoy if it was the answer you wanted to hear. But the pain of not knowing will hurt worse than anything if you never try.

I refuse to regret him. I just regret not telling him.

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

•

~Bruised_warrior