I have depression. No, it's not a joke. No, I don't cut myself. No, I don't hate everything. "You have depression? But you always smile!" They say. "I've never seen you cry before." They say. I'm tired of all the stereo types, I'm tired of all the misguided questions. I'm tired. I smile because sometimes things are funny, like jokes my friends make. I smile, because no one wants to hang out with sad people. I smile because if I don't someone could see inside. I smile because then I'd have nothing to hide behind. No, I don't show my sadness. No, I can't just go outside and see it's okay. No, I don't care that other people have it worse. Just because other people have it worse doesnt mean I don't have the right to feel down, it doesn't mean I haven't gone through my own hell. No, the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows. No, I don't think it's going to get better. No, mom, its not a phase. No, I'm not growing out of it. No, it doesn't just go away. "But you're always so happy in public!" Because bursts of happiness are common. There are breaks, momentary pauses in the dark oppression pressing down on me, holding me down. Smothering me until I can't breathe. No, my anxiety isn't me just being shy. No, I'm not a disease. No, I don't like people because people poke and prod ans intrude and they take whatever they see, then they leave ans they don't come back. Every time they leave they take a piece of me, slowly eating away until I crumble down into nothing, into a pile of dust blown away into the neverending sea of despair housed by the pitch blackness of my still darkening soul. No, I'm not the same person I was. No, I'm not happy. No, my naps aren't just because I'm a teenager. I nap to get away, to stop feeling like the darkness is going to swallow me whole. It's hard to breathe, it's hard to see, it's hard to think when all I can do is cry and all i can do is lay listless and motionless in bed because I'm tired of going out, I'm tired of the questions. No, I don't want to go out, and no I'm not okay! No! No no no no no no no no! No. No. Just...no. Stop. No.
