RANTS

I hate my mom

My mother has decided once again that i can't  watch youtube or even use the computer because I will watch youtube because she personally doesn't like it. And I would get it if I was like 10 or 12  but im 15 nearly 16 and in highschool. And she doesn't give a flying fuck what I watch if it's not on youtube. Seriously. Have you seen the movie trainspotting? Probably not but she litrally watched it with me, and she also like last year watched pulp fiction with me, Wich has a man but raping another man in it so that's about how much she gives a shit about what I watch. She probably wouldn't even care much if she saw me watching porn, but if I watch the ONE THING THAT MAKES ME HAPPY IN THE WORLD, I get screamed at and grounded. Like tf. Honestly, watching markiplier and jacksepticeye and skyvsgaming and crankgameplays have helped to save me from myself. If it weren't for them and my music, I most likely wouldn't be here. She knows I'm miserable (not how much, just that I am) and she knows that those people are my favorite people and that they are important and deliberately does not let me use the internet just because she personally doesn't like youtube. She KNOWS that they are litrally the only thing that make me happy. Not even just that, she does this with everything I ever enjoy in the slightest. 

She, for my entire life, has always shat on everything I love/like, crushed every dream and aspiration I've ever had, and spat on my personality.  I've always been a hyper and energetic person, but whenever I show it around her, most of the time she has yelled at me til I was so upset I lost my energy. I understand that hyperactive people can be grating, but cmon. She has always been trying to force me to read things I don't like, watch things I don't want to watch and force her preferences on me.  Which yes there are a lot of preferences that we share, but anytime I try to talk to her about something I like, she cuts me off by sayingsomething that I should like instead of that thing. She has always wrote off the way I think about some stuff as me being stupid. She blames my bad memory on not caring about anything. That because I don't understand something I'm a moron or I'm not tryng hard enough. 

She also has tried many times to force me into her footsteps career wise. When I was little I wanted to be a vet, which she is a vet, but I wanted more to be a zoologist I just didn't know the word so I said "wild animal doctor" She tried to get me to want to be a vet and to want to live on a farm in the middle of butthole nowhere Oregon forever. She tries to make me want that, that because I like animals I should automatically be a vet tech like her. She has always said that my one consistent career choice I want, as a graphic designer, is stupid and that I would never succeed as one, even though that's one of the only things I'm good at. I'm litrally only good at creative things. She knows that, but she still doesn't want me to do what I actually enjoy. Basically she thinks that I shouldn't stop drawing, but I should completely stop trying to be anything to do with art. Just be what she wants because that would 'be easier'

Once when I was younger I wanted to be a comedian, and I told her that. And she laughed and said 'your not funny' and left. Now as the severely sensitive 9 year old I was, that completely crushed me. When I was even younger than that, I wanted to be the first person on Mars. She litrally just said that I would never do that because I wouldnt be smart enough. I was like 7 years old what the fuck? The same thing happened who knows how many times when I was little. The only career she was sorta supportive to me with was being a paleontologist, then an archeologist, and then later both. Only other things besides vet.

My point in this rambly shit is, every dream, aspiration, preference ect. That I've ever had has been crushed. There were several more things I could've put in, but they were far too person for me to want to put here for reasons only someone with complete access to my mind would truly understand. Now most likely I'll leave this up for a while then realize it was a mistake to post it and delete it.