Papercut | Akutagawa Ryūnosuke; AR [✔]

12 → Garden

The following day, I didn't feel like talking to anyone at all.

I had asked Dazai to hide my sketch pad, not wanting to have it in my possession for once. Atsushi and Kyouka were the only ones aware of what I've been drawing, but I am not happy about the fact that someone knows about it. For all I know, they may use that as a blackmail to convince me to do something.

Update about the medicines, this is the second day that I haven't taken them. Nothing has happened so far, so I may go on without having to have an obligation early in the morning.

Yesterday, I was expecting to have a serene moment with me and my friends, since it was the only day that I got without having to worry about errands. I wanted to have a stress-free day; just getting to have fun and not do so much walking and running around. I expected my mind to be at ease for a day.

That's what happens when you expect -- you get hurt from them if it doesn't get to you.

My mind started to overthink more than usual, making me have thoughts like "How I wish that I have the ability to erase memories from people" and stuff. I didn't want them to find out what I have been drawing -- I didn't want ANYONE to see it.

Not having the sketch pad with me means that I have nothing to do while waiting for the rest of my classmates. I left my bag on my desk and went on the portion of the school where I used to hide when I felt down or hurt...

...the school garden.

It was a place that nobody goes to anymore -- maybe except me. The school garden used to be the place where the students with green thumbs do their art using nature. The Gardening Club used to be a thing until Chuuya became a teacher, making individual clubs useless since he teaches various skills in art using one's ability.

Even when long abandoned, the garden kept its beauty -- different varieties of flowers growing back since it was spring. Shades of red, pink, yellow, and lavender brighten up the environment. There used to be a fountain here, too, but now it's just filled with sakura petals.

I sat at the edge of the empty fountain made out of cobblestone, diving my hands in the pool of sakura petals. I couldn't exactly remember when was the last time that I was here; it felt so long that the memory of it must have wiped off my mind already.

Grabbing a handful of petals, Atsushi's voice echoed in my mind.

"Why don't you just be true to yourself?"

"Aren't I already true to myself?"

"I mean, stop lying to yourself."

Stop lying to myself, you say. I clenched my hands, the soft texture of the petals being squished by the tight hold of my hands.

"Admit it, or one of you is bound to get hurt."

"This is why I don't show my art to anyone! People are too quick to judge!"

I felt tears starting to form in my eyes, and then freely falling down to my cheeks. I opened my hands again, the wind blowing away the crumpled sakura petals that was in my possession a while ago.

I remembered now... I remembered the last time that I went here.

Four years ago, when I received my first set of orders from Akutagawa, it was at a time that he was sick and I was running on that time of the month. It was also midterm examinations by that time and was extremely worried about how I'll be performing. I haven't got a chance to study -- not even for one bit -- and all I do was run errands for my master.