Melting the Ice

18; peripatetic

"peripatetic"

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(pɛr ə pəˈtɛt ɪk, noun) A person who spends their time wondering.

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I give Zach a nervous smile because I don't know what else to do. I know he expects something from me, I even know what he expects from me, but I can't give it to him. 

Zach leans back with an understanding look. "I see how it is ..."

I look at him in confusion. Zach takes a step back from me. "Tell me, did I take advantage of you? Did you feel obliged to kiss me?"

"What? Zach, no -"

"I simply misread the situation, then," he notes, completely ignoring me. 

I want to step closer to him, but he gives me such a look that it makes me retreat instantly. "Zach, please. It's not like that." 

Zach scoffs, looking somewhere behind me. "Ah, the famous words." 

This time it's me that ignores him. "Listen to me. You did not take advantage of me, I knew perfectly well what I was doing and I could stop it if I wanted to, but ... I wanted that to happen." 

"But you don't want it to ever happen again. Noted." 

I sigh. "Zach," I scold him mildly. "I can't do this. I'm sorry, but I'm not ready for that right now ... I've got other things to worry about."

"So do I!" he snaps irritatingly. When he sees my frightened expression, he exhales and thrusts his hands into his hair, pulling it. "What is it? Is there another man? You said you're not seeing anyone. Are you in love with someone else, though?" 

I shake my head. "No. I'm not in love with anyone and I'm not involved with anyone. It's not like that."

This time, Zach comes closer and leans his hip against the counter. "Then how the fuck is it? Tell me."

"Let's start with this. What did you expect out of ... that?" 

"You not flinching and avoid it when I want to do it again, that's for sure." I can just hear the confusion in Zach's voice and I understand him, I do. It's all my fault he feels conflicted like that. 

"Okay ... Well, I'm sorry if I led you on. But right now, I'm not prepared to have anything with anyone. It only complicates things and right now, I can't afford to be distracted. But," I quickly go on, "I don't want us to stop hanging out and being friends. I just don't want to destroy what we currently have. Can you accept that?" 

Zach is puzzled for a moment, looking at me with a lost expression. "Do I have any choice?" 

I cock my head to the side. "What do you want?" I ask him, giving him a chance to explain it to me. 

Zach hangs his head. "It doesn't matter anyway." 

I gape at him. "Of course it does, Zach!" I exclaim. "I want to know," I tell him. If we don't talk about this, we won't get anywhere. 

"I don't know, Ana. Okay? That's the whole truth. I didn't think it through. We can forget about it now," he murmurs. 

Forget about it? There's not a chance I'll be able to ever forget it! "If that's what you really want ..." I say softly, disappointed a bit. But I get it. I shouldn't have let that happen. I had a chance to stop it, but I didn't. And now we're in this mess.