Melting the Ice

28; agowilt

"agowilt"

— 

(noun) agowilt is defined as an unnecessary fear one simply can't avoid, despite logic.

❄️❄️❄️❄️

During the next weeks, my life goes back to normal. My soul, however, doesn't. 

Zach is very patient with me. He always makes sure that I'm feeling alright and he's constantly asking me how I'm doing. He tries to indulge me in conversations, but sometimes I don't really want to talk and I just want some time alone. He senses that and just sits down beside me and is there for me. 

He doesn't have to say anything to let me know he's there if I need him and he's there to help me get through this. 

At the funeral, he was my anchor on one side and Miles on the other. Both men were really supportive and civil with each other, which I was really grateful for because I needed them both. The funeral went by very quickly. There weren't many people and there weren't any other relatives. 

It was still sad. I still had a hard time, grieving the loss of my whole family now. And Zach was with me through all of it. I also got scared sometimes how dependent I became of him. I was scared to lose him, too, because I definitely wouldn't survive that loss.

I don't think I'll ever be able to survive anyone close to me passing away. Because that pain is so strong, it grips your insides and clenches them together, squeezing them so hard it makes it hard to breathe. And you have to wake up every morning, knowing you'll never be able to see them again and all you have left of them are the memories. 

You have to live with regrets of the things you should've said to them when you still had the chance and the things you could've done better. All the fights you had with them, you start to regret every single one. 

I made it my priority to show people how much I care about them. Starting with Zach. Which wasn't that hard. I basically, unofficially, moved in with him. I couldn't go back to my house - that empty, cold house, now only a reminder of how full it used to be. Now it's standing there all alone with no one in it. 

If I didn't know before, I know now that Zach is the love of my life and the person I never, ever want to lose. He's my everything. If he goes, I'll die. I won't ever be able to live again because if he ever decides to leave me, I'm giving him all to take with him. Besides Miles, he's the only one I have left to help me get through life. 

He's my friend, my lover, even my skate partner. I've been skating a lot lately. On my sessions with Sofia and Gilbert, I was really off at first. And although Sofia understood it and was deeply sorry for my loss, she was mad as hell. Not at me, precisely, but at the situation. 

The competition is right around the corner and she doesn't think I'm at my greatest. That's why I decided to put all my effort into this. 

I wanted to quit at first, but both Zach and Miles talked me out of it. They both know how much the skating means to me and that it's basically my life. If I didn't skate, I wouldn't have any purpose in my life. 

So, I've trained with Zach a lot. Other times, I just sat on the benches and watch him train with his teammates. 

I still get sad. There are moments where I wake up in the middle of the night, breathing hard, and remember all of it. Thankfully, Zach is there to calm me down. He's there for me every time it gets bad. And I can't help but feel it must be hard on him, too, since he lost his mother when he was young, too, and can somehow understand the pain.