Melting the Ice

32; metanoia

"μετάνοια|metanoia"

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(me-tə-ˈnȯi-ə), (noun) | An ancient Greek word, metanoia is described as a change of mind and change of heart, which coincides with a positive transformation in the way one lives their life. It connotes the beginning of healing.

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I'm miserable.

I'm forced to lay down, do nothing and move as little as I can. I'm restless and this plaster on my leg is driving me crazy. I hate it. 

Zach thinks I'm so quiet and lost in my thoughts because I'm disappointed by my performance at the competition. Truthfully, I don't even think about that anymore. I accepted it, came into terms that I was good for it being my first time and I set my expectations too high.

What was on my mind more is the possibility I might be pregnant. It's possible. I remembered I forgot to buy morning pills after Zach and I didn't use a condom. I had so much on my mind, but that's not an excuse. I was careless. And if I really am pregnant ... I don't know what I'll do.

I'm scared what is Zach going to think and how he's going to react. We're not together that long, we didn't even say I-love-yous to each other, and now I might be expecting his child? 

And my career just started. I did my first competition, I don't want it to be the last one. Having a child would mean I wouldn't be able to skate anymore, at least not for a year. A figure skater that just started competing can't afford to not skate for a year. 

I'm worrying myself, driving myself nuts. I'm too scared to go visit the gynaecologist. I don't even have one, to begin with, so I would have to search for a completely new one. I'm rather playing a coward, keeping this to myself. I'm too scared to see the gynaecologist because I'm afraid of what he'd tell me.

I don't know what I'll do if I'm really carrying a life in me. I'm not ready. My life is turned upside down at this moment, I don't live a stable life, suitable for a child. I can barely take care of myself, how the hell am I going to be able to look after another human being? And such a fragile one. 

I feel like I'm becoming a burden to Zach, even though he's constantly joking and also reassuring me that it's a good thing I hurt my ankle because he can spend more time with me. I'm forced to stay at his place and Zach stays with me most of the time.

There are only a few hours every day when he goes to the gym and when he goes training to the ice hall. Being with him so much these days made me know him even more and I started admiring how dedicated he is.

He loves what he does, he loves his career. I can see the happiness everytime he goes to the ice hall and the exhaustion, mixed with a pleasure of a successful session when he comes back. He also takes a great care of his body. He eats well and trains in the gym for hours.

Heck, I knew he had to do something to have such a marvellous body. 

He's everything to me. And I'm scared I ruined our chance with this potential pregnancy. If I really am pregnant, my life would be ruined altogether. 

I've put some thought into the possibility of my pregnancy and weighed my options. I thought about an abortion, but I dropped that right away. I couldn't kill my child. I also thought about giving him up for an adoption, but then a selfish part of me voiced up that I could never give away a life that Zach and I made. 

I would love this child. Even though it's not the perfect timing, I would love and cherish it. Even if I had to love and raise him alone, I know I would do it.