That's When We Uncover [Jensen Ackles + Misha Collins | Cockles | mxm]

Chapter Thirty-Seven

We hit the town in style on our last night in Jacksonville, our drinks bought by fans and bartenders and refilled on a constant basis. People come up to us and congratulate us on being part of that show. Misha shows up looking illegally hot. He's wearing those frayed old jeans - like, really wearing them; damn, what thighs - and all of the fans' chill is completely lost.

And they tell me to control myself. If they're this affected by him, and they're not around him twenty-four-seven, how am I supposed to live my life? If they knew my struggles, Tumblr would escalate from a #pray4jensen hub to #WOAHPRAY4JENSENANDHISSALVATIONHE'SSUFFERING.

Aside from a few minor episodes, everyone's pretty civil, our bodyguards do their job, and nothing gets ugly.

Misha avoids me all night, save for the occasions on which we pose for pictures, and I get off-the-rails drunk, belting out classic rock ballads with the Marks until it's time to head back in Clif's car. My remorse weighs heavily on my heart the entire time. What I said during that panel was, to put it eloquently, shitty.

It's just that...I've always done this. It's all I know how to do, practically second nature at this point. So many years of overcompensation, deflection, expert bullshitting, and deception to cover up how I felt for him...and now it's like I don't know how to be any other way in public. Trying to lower my guard feels like paddling upstream, fighting against the current of my nature. It just doesn't come easy for me.

And that's not the only thing that doesn't come easy for me. I've also never been good at reading between the lines. I'm just a very by-the-book man, and since we've decided against exploring Cas and Dean's romantic relationship any further, it's case closed for me. It literally doesn't exist in my books, simple as that. But maybe I'm oversimplifying it. One of my weaknesses as an actor is that I've always been a strict adherer to the script, failing or maybe just refusing to read between the lines and acknowledge subtext.

And the truth is that ever since the whole cast and crew apparently picked up on my little crush, they've started fucking mercilessly with Dean and Cas' lines and stage directions.

There is not a single heterosexual explanation for some of those moments. And every camera angle, frame, shot, and sequence in filming is incredibly, precisely, infinitely fine-tuned. It's a deliberate, conscious decision on the part of the directors and producers.

Sure, some of it was my fault. There has always been a lot of sexual tension between us and, damn, if looks could kiss...