Ah yes... the words to live by... as my wise friend Sadie who now lives in Peru once said, "always go through life with a c'est bonne, c'est bonne, c'est bonne attitude," what does that mean? I don't fucking know, but what I do know that James does not have a c'est bonne c'est bonne, c'est bonne outlook on life at the moment, in fact, right now he looks like he's going to throttle me with a snake.
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND ?! you almost killed me!! what is wrong with you??" James screamed angrily, he truly unleashed his inner crazy.
*breathes in* "BOI, ok firstly I did not almost kill you, you got hit with a fucking bag, so calm down you lettuce eating PLEB, in fact, I did the opposite, I saved your goddamn life so praise me you ingrate!" I said proudly as I looked down upon the angry troll.
But after I said that he started making frustrated sock puppet noises, which wasn't the reaction I was going for, so I decided to try my best to soothe his rage.
"shhh... life is meaningless anyways, so just accept me as your lord and savior...THE GODDESS OF POTATOES!! here my loyal subject," I said handing him the Donald trump looking potato with a kind smile.
But instead of taking the Donald trump looking potato he smacked it out of my hands and it skittered across the floor towards the snake cages.
"get that filthy trash away from me you idiot ."
Every word stung only fueling the fire that burned inside of me. Every violated phrase was like gasoline to it, my fists began to clench and my jaw rooted.
"hey, are you an idiot or something? I mean even a child could clearly see that I wasn't fighting a snake instead of rushing in here like a deranged lunatic." he looked at me like I couldn't even understand what he just said. like I was some sort of potato.
Every time he opened his mouth I got angrier. White knuckles from clenching my fists too hard, and gritted teeth from the effort to remain silent, my hunched form exuded an animosity that was like acid - burning, slicing, potent. my face was red with suppressed rage.
"can you even hear me?" he said with a smug face.
And that was the moment I snapped.
In that frozen second between standoff and fighting, I see their eyes flick from me to him. Our faces are unreadable, no fear, no invitational smirk.
"fight me you crusty ass hoe," I said.
There was stillness on both sides. If hatred was visible the air would have been scarlet. Then suddenly movement, so much force in every blow. I rained blows onto James as if I'd meant to smash him into the very earth and James did the same. We didn't just want the other dead, they wanted him smashed, obliterated, nothing left to bury.
There were no holds barred when I went in for the attack. I pulled out hair in handfuls, scratched, bit, kicked and head-butted.
"You just triggered a fucking bear you dirty potato girl!" yelled James as he dodged one of my punches.
"oh Yeah?! you want some? then come at me, you coward! I'll fight your ass any day!! then I let out a scream of pure rage and slugged him in his handsome sculpted face knocking him to the ground.
"ha ha ha ha HA HA HA!! eat this, you rickety old piece of crap!" I yelled as I shoved the potato into his mouth.
"does it taste like failure?! you know that taste well I bet! now praise me- wait..."
what the hell am I even doing? this doesn't make any sense... I just came here to get my keys back to open up the potato shop, not beat the shit out of this loser.
"uuuuuuggghhhhh... why did this happen to a good person like me?" groaned James as he lay down on the dirty floor with a mouth full of potatoes just accepting his imminent demise.
So I offered the poor pathetic James my hand, "sorry for beating the shit out of you just now." I said with a sweet and caring smile as if I gave a fuck.
"thanks...I guess?" he said uncertainly as he took my hand and hoisted himself up.
But that was short lived because 2.5 seconds later he collapsed into a fit of coughing.
kaNsUr *cough* GoT MeH!! IM * cough* DyInG!! he sputtered out.
"well, that's not a very c'est bonne, c'est bonne, c'est bonne attitude! you need to lighten up James," I said but then turned my gaze towards his phone on one of the snake enclosures so I went to go see.
"W-what are you doing Camilla?" asked James as I picked up his phone and opened it up.
It was on wattpad. "so... what books do you have in your library?" I asked already scrolling through his books.
"Falling for the player, the bad boy's girl, in Luv with a fuck boi and the drama of class 225...jesus James, you really love cliche teen fiction novels and... yuri on ice?!" I exclaimed.
"It's not cliche!" James retorted. "it's simply romantic, but then again what would you know about that?"
"ha! well clearly I know enough so that I don't have to read 70 books about it anyways, I mean almost every one of those teen fiction stories are the exact same, they all start with a girl who's a nerd, and the bad boy who's really just glorified fuck boi falling in love after they start living together-!" I paused and realized something.
"what is it, Camilla? you were just in the middle of one of your pointless rants," he said sarcastically.
"its Cami you dumb fuck, get it right. but those teen fiction stories... they sound a lot like our current predicament " I said.
"what if... our lives are slowly turning into a flip-flapping kamayamaing teen fiction novel??"
"This isn't c'est bonne c'est bonne c'est bonne at all!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------mwah ha ha ha ha it's your favorite author senpai! back again with a chapter full of punctuation errors!!
(listen to the song)
YOU ARE READING
The potato princess and the triggered bear
HumorCamilla is not your ordinary gir- wait nope that's way too cliche.... I'll try this again, Cami is a princess, a potato princess, who works at a potato shop with her parents. But one day... Her parents leave her out of the blue to go who knows wher...
