The potato princess and the triggered bear

A plan, Rohn Senpai and Would it be wrong to kidnap someone?

" good lord... I'm getting too old for this, and you are clearly insane" said James exasperatedly as he looked at me with a tired worn out look.

"Am I really James? AM I??" As I leaned into his face to emphasize the point.

he leaned back "ok first, please get away from me, and second, your freaking out over nothing, this is just a coincidence and your just...well crazy."

"Well... You should know all about how these teen fiction novels start, I mean you do have wattpad and its full of those cliches "romance stories." I said looking down at the sad bear loving, hose wrestling, triggered wattpad reader.

James stood up defiantly " Okay you clearly know nothing about the greatness that is teen fiction novels on wattpad so- wait one second I need to get something."

James stumbled into the back of the store and came back out with an arm full of binders and a computer and proceeded to set up a slide presentation titled "why you haters should shut up about teen fiction ."

oh, crap.. he must be one of those wattpad elitists.... lord give me the strength to restrain myself from killing James. I silently prayed.

"Ok, now listen up why I explain why I am right and you are wrong about the perfection that is wattpad romance...now I will give you 101 reasons why it is the greatest genre on wattpad, reason number one: the stories are always original and unique,"

"stop."

"reason number two: every single character gets the perfect amount of character development."

"STOP."

"reason number three: it will fill your small unintelligent mind with accurate descriptions of human interactions-OOMFH!" He didn't get to finish his sentence again because I threw my bag at him for the second time, and the impact threw him into the wall.

"OH MY GOD JAMES! shut the fuck up!" I yelled.

James lay in a motionless heap by the wall like the pile of trash he is.

"Jesus christ.... I think I killed him." So I ran over to his motionless body and checked his pulse.

I breathed a sigh of relief. "oh thank the heavenly lord of potatoes that watches over us all, he's fricking alive."

Were my thoughts visible they would be an inverse explosion, crazy chaotic turns, and twists of light all coming together to just one idea, to just one word. Though they spin in a way that appears without design or logic,

In the grip of silent panic, wild eyes, pupils dilated, heart racing, brain on fire, brain synapses firing like a hyped up internal aurora borealis, like a cluster bomb exploding in my brain, turned my brain to a mental soup of conflicting instructions, brain frozen, brain feeling like it's seized up, shrill scream, running aimlessly, frozen in panic, arms flapping almost comically, almost threw up, brain feeling like it's been pickled in brine.

"I won't be able to live like this for eight months... I need to contact my parents and tell them that their idea was even more fucking stupid than accidentally buying a plane ticket to Peru which you can't pay for," I grumbled as I pulled my phone out of my bag.

but the second wave of panic coursed through me as I realized something else "oh, that's right, my aunt doesn't have wifi at her goddamn house after Mrs koalala broke her wifi with that sweet potato."

my voice trailed off into the silence that filled the room as I stared off into space.

"wait! this isn't over yet!" I shouted as I jumped off of the floor.

The adrenaline floods my system like it's on an intravenous drip - right into my blood at full pelt. I think my heart will explode and my eyes are wide, letting in every ounce of the fading light.

My body wants to either run fast for the hills or work to find a car, but instead, I stay right where I am. Sometimes freezing is the best of the choices, and let's face it, there really are only three. I want to quell the hammering in my chest, but there's no way that will happen now.

I scrambled out of the snake shop, with the keys to the potatoes shop in hand and threw some clothes into a duffel bag and swiped the car keys out of the drawer.

I jumped into the car and drove over to the snake shop. "okay... it's time to kidnap James and throw him in the car!"

I walked into the snake shop and picked up the unconscious James and threw him inside the car in the back seat and duct taped his wrists together, ya know... for safety.

my heart wants out of my chest. It wants to beat free of its cage. It pounds like it's going to crack a rib. My senses are on high alert. Every color is brighter, every noise louder, every stranger a cause to make my heart beat more fiercely.

I breathed in and out trying to calm down as I gripped the steering wheel. "okay we 're past the point of no return so..."

"let's go find the stupid parents who are probably at Harvey's!" I yelled as I pumped my fist in the air and put on some shades to make me look like a badass.

45 minutes later

Gazing straight ahead, only half-aware of a world outside the claustrophobic comfort of the car, of my hands, stroking the wheel, the almost soundless changing of the gears, the pattern of traffic lights...

when out of nowhere.

"What the flippety flapping flap flapping hell is going on!!!??" screamed James from the backseat.

"oh, great...looks like the baby's up," I said in a monotone voice looking back at James with a smug look on my face.

"You're a psycho you hear me!! where are you taking me?!"James yelled again. but when I didn't answer again he started making more frustrated sock puppet noises.

"okay calm down before I punch you in your fat wattpad elitist face you rickety old piece of shit and what the fuck are you doing?"

James was tearing at the edges of his ducktape bonds.

I started nervously sweating.

shit, I need to think fast...what calms a baby down when they're triggered after a nap?! I thought.

Oh, that's right! so i tossed him his phone already open on wattpad and took my laptop out of my duffel bag.

"will you shut the fuck up if I put on yuri on ice?" I asked as I munched on a potato sarcastically.

"yes." James nodded.

but James opened his fat pork cutlet bowl mouth once again. "hey uh... where the hell are we even going anyway?"

"well..." I spoke reluctantly we're going to find a dear friend of mine, his name is...

Rohn-senpai.

fuck