Never Ending Thoughts

the unknown

it all started in 6th grade
i started to realize i didnt fit in, people change, you dont always get what you want
i think as kids we think life is a fairytale.... well, its not
my childhood started to catch up with me
mom always working, dad out with friends doing who knows what, grandparents always talking bad about my dad
my parents argued a lot
dont get me wrong there were good times too
always at the park getting ice cream or playing tea party with my dad or getting new dolls and shopping with my mom
i was the only child at home so i mostly played by myself
maybe thats why i dont mind being alone now
i watched a lot of disney movies so i guess that made me believe in miracles.. that there was always a happy ending

we ended up moving to atl in 2008
i was leaving everything i knew
my family and friends or should i say friend
i only had one friend that i knew since diapers she was my best friend
things were a lot different
i got bullied for my accent and skin color
that made me hate school i had no friends
thats when i learned that people are fake
i changed a lot in 3rd grade a little more careless i was tired of getting picked on so i finally stood up for myself and everyone backed off
people actually started to like me
i met linda in 4th grade and she became my best friend

middle school was exactly what i thought it was gone be
i changed even more but in a different way a lotta stuff started to get to my head
it seemed that everything was my fault
it got really bad and i started to have nightmares and suicidal thoughts that led me to hurting myself
i didnt want anyone to know because it was scary and humiliating but i thought it helped.... it didnt
nobody knew except linda.. she knew everything
it was a hard and confusing time for all us
ya know our bodies changing, hormones
it was a lot
i lost a lot of friends in middle school and had a couple heart breaks but i got through it
i thought middle school was a lot.... that was only the beginning

first day of freshman year
i was nervous everyone was taller than me i got lost had nowhere to sit at lunch didnt have that many friends but things eventually got better
first period was health
the only person i knew was ashley
we weren't that close but that changed she was one of my best friends my sister but things changed again.. for worst
a couple months later we had gym and met some new people and one of those people was chris
we all became friends and chilled all the time
i didn't know ashley liked chris or that chris like me but before that
me and chris really started to become close friends... he became my best friend
i found out about Chris and Ashley after thanksgiving break
i thought it was cute everything was fine
the bond between me and Chris grew more and more everyday
we started to trust each other and talk about personal things
we realized that we were the same.. literally the same
he's the person i had been looking for... someone who understood what i was going through and how i felt
we told each other everything
two halves of a whole
there was one night when he told me that he used to like me before we met and honestly I've never noticed him
i didn't like him like that or at least i didn't think i did plus he was dating ashley
we were still best friends and it stayed that way we continued to bond
a friend asked me one day if i had feelings for him and i said no but then i started to think about it and realized i did but it seemed like a small crush so i let it go
then chris told me that he started to like me again and i told him how i felt
we kept it on the low because it wasn't that serious
but then it was
it started to be noticeable people started to question us but we denied it

it was a best friend thing

ashley found out the truth and was really hurt i felt bad chris felt bad
there was nothing we could do to fix it
we were wrong for doing what we did behind her back i was just so caught up in the moment i didn't know what to do
me and ashley stopped being friends and she told chris to stop talking to me but that didn't happen
things kinda changed between us but went back to normal
it pissed her off but at the time I didn't really care
things just seemed to get worse and it was very stressful
i still feel bad about everything
she doesn't know how sorry i am wish i could make it up

Now it's January 4th, 2020
I'm 18 years old
I graduated high school
things eventually worked themselves out, while new problems came along
I met the love of my life and lost him after 2 years
I still find myself thinking about the past wishing what could've been different
What if..
but it doesn't matter
I'm looking forward and becoming the woman I wanna be.