Never Ending Thoughts

Best Friend ❤️

January 12, 2020
10:49 am
Oh best friend 😩 I miss u so much. Yesterday was ur birthday and even tho I don't celebrate birthdays I still wish u were able to have spent it how u wanted. We have so much to catch up on. I try not to say too much when u call bc I wanna talk to u face to face, but I also don't want u to think that I don't wanna talk to u. I love u. Josh really misses u. I can tell he's suffering. Sometimes I wish I was still in school so I could be there by his side. He really looks up to u. Neither one of y'all may admit it but I can see it. U guys are really special to me. I remember someone said that I was using josh to replace u n it made me so mad bc the both of u play two totally different roles in my life ❤️ one thing y'all do have in common is ur love n loyalty. Even tho we had our downs I know u never stopped caring. U were still there from a distance. It could be just me in my head but it feels like since u been gone josh was a little more protective over me. I love that the most about u two. Nobody may understand it but u guys are literally my family. I talked to josh last night just to check up. Sometimes it's hard to read him. I know he's lonely but he likes to be alone. Kinda like me. I try not to make it seem like I'm bothering him all the time but that's why I just check up. I plan on going to see him at school. But I also just wanna hang out. I feel like he hasn't been able to do that. He's really my little brother lol. I really wish things in high school would've happened differently. I wanted u to graduate with me 💔 it killed me so bad that u weren't. But it's ok I still love u. I know ur gonna be out soon. We'll both be there for josh. Chris.. I know ur gonna do what u needa do for urself when u get out... but I still want u in my life no matter what 🤞🏼

12:00 pm
I had a dream about u last night. It was so simple yet seemed to perfect. Just bc u were there, it felt so real. But I knew it wasn't bc we were back at school. But everything was so simple. We were besties, nobody could keep us apart. Jason was there smh I miss him, but u guys were being goofy as usual n I just sat back n laughed n just admired u guys. Honestly I miss how things were before. When we were all friends. Really tho I just miss Jason he was the only other one I had a really friendship with. I still remember that day he got into a fight and they had to pin him to the ground, it was a nightmare. I couldn't stop crying. I don't know what it is but I care so much for u guys. Even wadell n I don't even know him that well. I wish all the bad things didn't happen so I could've played the role that I always wanted to. It wouldn't have been much different but I think u would've appreciated it more. But then I wonder if we're in the place that we're supposed to be. Smh idk. I don't think u ever knew but I had such a romantic love for u. It was so much deeper than friends or bffs. When I met kight I honestly thought it was gonna be temporary. I didn't want a serious relationship n I was pushing away my feelings for u, but then something happened I felt that feeling again for him n it terrified me. Sometimes I wonder if u knew bc u hated that I was with him. I just thought that I would finally be appreciated. I regret everything I went thru with him. Usually I don't regret things bc I always learn something. But he killed me inside. I suffered so much hurt n sometimes I feared my life. He made me insecure he crushed me. Our relationship was so toxic but I was blinded by the love I had for him n my need to try to help n fix him like I tried for everyone else. I think I get it from my mom. Speaking of which I really want u to meet her someday. I know we've been best friends for 4 years but u understand. U get it. U know that my parents are the most receptive but u still love me. Ur still there for me. U still care. U know that no matter what that I'm always here for u. That was the problem with kight... everything had to be his way. He didn't like that I didn't wanna introduce him to my family. But can u blame me? He wasn't the man I needed him to be n that upset him. Once I realized he wasn't the same person he used to be n I fell out of love for him it's like I fell off of a cliff. Like how could I be so stupid?? But this isn't a comparison or about him. I'm kinda just ranting like I usually do lol. I know I get on ur nerves but I feel like u like when I talk. U like to see me. U like to be around me. U know my strengths n weaknesses. U really are my best friend Chris. U mean the world to me. And despite whatever female u was with in the past or whoever u choose to be with now, my feelings will never change. I tried so hard to let u go but I can't I'll always love u whether we're in a good or bad place. I'd love for us to stay in a good place. I feel lost when I don't have u to talk. I think about u more n more everyday. I remember the phone call when I was upset about kight n I automatically knew. U could hear it in my voice n u were so upset bc of it. I love that. I love that u instantly know when somethings not right. I love that bc I don't like bringing up something that makes me upset. A lot of the times my feelings go unnoticed n disregarded. But I believe u truly care about me no matter what we may be going thru. I know macey misses u. She still care about u. She just can't talk to u while ur in there, she can't handle it. I'm surprised at how I'm handling it. But I guess knowing ur gonna be out soon helps. Plus I get to just write how I've been feeling for u to read when u do come home. I know we used to talk about how we're alone but I don't wanna say that anymore bc even when we have nobody else we have each other. I don't really do New Years resolutions but starting this year I don't wanna speak negativity into the air. Life is full of shortcuts, doors, loopholes whatever u wanna call it. But I know that when I feel like I got no one to listen I got u. Ur my first and last go to R.O.D🤞🏼❤️