Hanahaki - BTS Fanfic #Wattys2017

One and the Same

I lied to myself, and I lied to Jimin. I lied to myself by mentally repeating that Jimin could love me again. I lied to my boyfriend by pretending I was oblivious to anything wrong. He never brought it up, he never gave so much as an indication that he'd break up with me.

But the subtle things were there. Things that could easily sail over my head if I wasn't paying attention. If I didn't already know. Little things like how he wouldn't mumble 'love you's before we hung up on the phone. How he no longer greeted me with a peck on the lips every time we saw each other. How he'd hesitate for just a second before kissing me back. How his hands no longer crept up to cradle my face. The smallest of details seemed to make all the difference.

It felt like every night was getting worse for me. Petals erupted from within me, and I felt drained and sorrowful but didn't dare leave the bathroom. I knew the moment I stepped off the tile floor, I'd have to go running back in.

But it had to be on movie night when I was starting to feel a bit better. Jimin had told me that he and the boys were having a movie night back at his and Yoongi's apartment and that I was more than welcome to join. Of course, I was ecstatic to join them, even at the expense of seeing my old best friend, Taehyung, there once again.

I spent a majority of the movie curled up into Jimin's side, my hand on his chest so that I could feel his heart beat beneath my fingertips, though it was simply a cruel reminder that his heart wasn't mine anymore. And neither was my own, for that matter. I sat between my boyfriend and Hoseok, who was graciously letting me steal some of his popcorn that he made earlier.

Taehyung and I haven't so much as look at each other, both seeming to pretend that the other was invisible or simply wasn't there. It was crazy, thinking back to how we could both read each other like a book before, and now we were practically strangers. Like there was no past, no history, no feelings that rose within us when someone mentioned the other's name. Nothing.

He was Kim Taehyung, and I was Bul Gihan. And we didn't even know each other.

I noticed Yoongi wasn't watching the movie. In fact, at some point he slipped out of the room, perhaps finding it as boring as I did. So what? Tits, cars, and cliches. I was over it.

I don't know why, but suddenly I felt it rising up in my chest, preparing to erupt from my throat. The petals. My eyes widened as I sat up quickly, and Jimin looked to me with concern.

"I-I'll just go to the restroom, be right back," I say, trying to dash out as nonchalantly as I can. I go through the sea of various legs, navigating myself through the apartment until I was finally at the bathroom door. 

God, I need to throw up, now!

I opened the door, my hand over my mouth. But I met a surprise, seeing Yoongi instead cradling the toilet bowl, puking his guts out. My eyes widened as I saw flowers scattered across the tile floors, pink petals covering the area. Cyclamen flowers.

Yoongi shoots up, and I catch a few petals from his mouth drifting off. In a croaky voice, he shouts to me, "What are you doing here? Get OUT!"

I was shocked, my hand still pressed firmly against my mouth. Yoongi scrambles up, his hand clutched tightly around my arm. His face was red with either embarrassment or anger, but I felt it rising again, and I shoved him back, knocking him into the wall.

Bending over the sink, I felt it all wash out of my system, and I coughed up a storm. The petals seemed never-ending, and it seemed like it wouldn't stop. It was all going out, and it didn't seem to be stopping anytime soon.

I felt a hand rubbing my back as I coughed up my last few cherry blossoms.

"There you go, let it out," Yoongi soothes me, rubbing my back.

I heave, panting as I shakily straightened my form. "I... I'm sorry for w-walking in and..."

"It's fine," Yoongi says. "You scared the petals right back down, honestly."

I chuckle at his pathetic excuse for a joke and find myself looking at the pile of flowers and petals I left in the sink, and glance up to Yoongi and my appearance in the mirror. Yoongi stared into my eyes through the mirror, and we had a click of understanding.

"How long?" I ask softly, turning to look at him to the side.

"Two months," Yoongi mentions softly. "It got worse the past few weeks, and Jimin noticed during one of the worse periods something wasn't right. Thankfully, he's plenty gullible."

I nod slowly. "It sucks, doesn't it?"

"How long for you?" Yoongi asks instead.

"I had it for a few months with Tae, until a few weeks after the... fiasco. And now it's been about a month with Jimin," I sigh.

"So he's no longer in love with you?"

"Appears so," I shrug pathetically. "Did he say anything to you about it?"

"I remember he seemed pretty out of it this one time, but that's about it for suspicious behavior."

"Well now you know," I laugh. "Nothing's as perfect as it seems. It's all a facade here."

"I would've never guessed, had it not been for-" he nods to the sink. "You know."

"Who's yours?" I quirk a brow. "Some girl who's too stupid to know what's in front of her? I mean, you're a catch Yoongi. I don't understand why any girl would deny you."

Yoongi laughs, giving me a small smile. "Maybe you could mention that to him."

My eyes widen, and my jaw practically hits the floor. "Oh. Who?"

"I guess it's only fair you know," Yoongi sighs. "It's uh... Hoseok."

"Oh."

"You see why I can't exactly do anything about my situation?" Yoongi asks, raising his brows.

"Yeah. Oh God, Yoongi-ah, I'm so, so sorry," I whisper. "Hoseok's a great guy, and so are you, and you guys would be cute with one another! But I'm not sure if he... swings that way."

"Yeah," Yoongi sighs, closing his eyes and tilting his head back. "That's the problem. I'm sure he doesn't."

We're both a bit silent, and for a moment it seems comforting. "Aren't we pathetic?" I mumble. "You know, I would've never guessed anyone near me was suffering through the same thing."

"A girl who's boyfriend doesn't love her and a guy who's closeted?" Yoongi snorts. "We're the saddest bunch, maybe we deserve this flower-shit."

I laugh. "Yeah, and we can help with each other's pain by spitting out flowers together."

I see Yoongi grin for the first time in what seems like forever. But his face is grim. "You know he'll never end it himself. He hates confrontation, and he'd hate hurting you. Even if he doesn't love you that way anymore."

"Yeah," I say solemnly. "I know."

"When will you end it then?" Yoongi raises a brow. "Staying with him might just bring you in deeper."

"I... I don't know," I confess. "We should get going, you know. They'll wonder what's up."

"Yeah," he mumbles. "But... it's good to know there's someone else."

I place my hand on his shoulder. "We're one and the same, Yoongi. We'll get through this, one way or another."

He smiles at that.