Hanahaki - BTS Fanfic #Wattys2017

I Want You To Be Happy

What am I doing?

That was my first thought as I pressed the last digit to Jin's cell, waiting for the ringing to start so that I could start overthinking about whether or not I should do this. It had been weeks since I found out about Yoongi getting the surgery, and Taehyung's wedding was in two days.

Much to my dismay, Jin picked up on the first call.

"Gihan-ah?" he piped, oddly enough wide awake. "What're you doing, calling me at this hour?"

"It's only-" I glance to the time on my phone. "-3:03 AM. Why are you awake? You don't sound tired at all."

"Midnight snack," Jin mumbled. "Being a doctor has its downsides, and one of them is feeling starved once the surgeries leave your mind. I'm telling you, it's gruesome."

"Yeah..." I chuckle nervously, tugging on the collar of my shirt as I press the phone harder against my cheek. "About that. You're a... specialized surgeon, right?"

There's a moment of silence on the other end of the line. "Depends," he says. "Who's asking?"

"Me."

"Gihan, I hardly think you'd need one of my surgeries. It's for people with certain problems that-"

"I know what you did with Yoongi, Jin-ssi," I interrupt. "I'm perfectly aware that I'm asking for the same procedure."

"Oh." I hear him suck in a breath. "So you're going through it too, huh? Were you somehow tied into the reason he wanted the surgery, and now you want the same?"

"More or less," I mutter. "A lot happened those past few weeks when we were gone. I'd rather spare the details."

"I suppose that's fair," Jin says quietly. "Does this have to do with Yoongi, though?"

"What does it matter?" I say hastily. "The fact is I have Hanahaki, and I'd gladly like to get rid of it."

"You know the effects of that though, right?" Jin asks softly. "You won't be able to love after that. Sure, you can feel other emotions- rather intensely, in fact, but the matter is you won't ever be able to love again. Are you willing to give that up? Have you thought this all the way through? I just want you to be happy."

"Gee, I thought I was trying to get a surgeon, not a psychiatrist."

"Do you want the surgery or not?" Jin replies to my sass.

I let out a breath of relief. "Yes, please, most definitely."

Jin sighs. "Alright. It's your choice. Visit my hospital- you know the one I work at, right?- and simply ask for the HH paperwork in the morning. We call it that so that the patients aren't so embarrassed. I'll schedule your appointment for as soon as possible, alright?"

"Thank you, Jin," I say. "You have no idea how much this means to me."

"I'm only sorry this is happening to you, Gi."

"It's no one's fault but my own," I shrug, the truth ringing the phone. "I'll see you later."

"Bye, Gi."

"Bye, Jin."

I hung up and watched as my phone slipped through my fingers and fell onto the bed with a depressing plunge, sinking into the comforter. I, too, plopped down into the sheets, hugging the pillow beside me.

I was actually doing it.

Who knows? Maybe in a week or so I would no longer be able to love. I tried not to think of the downsides though. Perhaps I would become a vixen, hanging out at clubs and getting my catch for the night with a simple red lipstick print plastered to their cheek. Maybe I'd have fun and not have to worry about getting too attached to an FBW, or perhaps I'd go through life single and happy.

I didn't know, and frankly, I was okay with that.

- 

I tapped my foot nervously, waiting in the office for Jin. I had the form for the surgery in my lap, and I was halfway done with filling it out. After I was done with this I'd be able to get the procedure, and simultaneously give up my ability to love.

"Gihan?" a small voice pipes. I look up, my eyes widening as I stared up at Jimin.

Fuck, I forgot that Jimin was an assistant to another doctor in the same building Jin worked in!

"O-Oh, Jimin..." I mumble, unsure what to do.

"What're you doing-" I see his hands quickly glance down to the form, and his eyes widen. "Wait... you have the Hanahaki disease?"

I hug the forms to my chest, cheeks flushed and heart racing. I felt so embarrassed. "N-No, what're you talking about? I'm just unwell, that's all," I blatantly lied.

"So that's how you found out?" Jimin asked, wide-eyed. "And you're... still sick?"

My face drained of color as I realized his thought process. He thought I wasn't over him yet, he thought I still loved him. The thought enraged me quickly, and I stood up quickly, letting the papers fly to the floor. I glared the boy in the eye, my face getting red with either embarrassment or anger.

"You're so self-centered and prideful, that you actually think this is because of you?" I scoff. "Get over yourself, Jimin!"

He opens his mouth to retort or explain, but I quickly grab my purse, rushing out. I didn't want him to explain and say that's not what he was thinking. I didn't want him to lie to my face like he did all those months ago. I didn't want to see the look on his face as he thought I was over-reacting or that I was acting crazy. For once I wanted to be crazy and hold my right to be so.

I stormed out and into the street. I didn't call for a cab, I didn't call for an uber, and I didn't get off. I spent the morning stumbling along the sidewalk, refusing to make any stops, and only to keep walking.

Perhaps I walked for hours, perhaps I walked for minutes, but eventually, my head started spinning, and my vision was getting hazed. Perhaps it's from the stress. My stomach felt queasy, and I saw the people bustling beside me side-step to avoid me. I ran, almost falling on my face until I was in a slightly less busy part of town, and already petals started falling from my lips.

I didn't care.

I didn't care.

I don't care.

I coughed more up, and they'd fall in a trail behind me, only to be caught by the breeze of the summer day. 

I couldn't stand anymore, and I collapsed. First on my knees, then toppling over to where I was laying on my side. No one helped, and no one seemed to pay any mind. My vision started to blacken, turning dark as I started to get drowsy. Perhaps I should've gotten more sleep last night.

I couldn't stop thinking of everything.

I'm the one who pushed Yoongi's emotions to get the surgery.

I'm the one who missed my best friend's process of falling in love, and I'd have to go to his wedding, knowing perfectly well I loved him with all my heart.

And the fact that Jimin thought I was still hung up on him and knew that I had Hanahaki Disease seemed to be the cherry on top.

My lids slowly closed, blurring the figure running towards me, until the shut, leaving me to sleep.