Hanahaki - BTS Fanfic #Wattys2017

I'm So Sorry

I can see why Hoseok's mom fell for his dad.

Within five dates, I found Hoseok giving me more love and happiness than I experienced in the past year. He treated me like a queen, and that's what I felt like when I was with him. Five dates became ten, which then became twenty, and I lost count.

But I hadn't kissed him. I wanted to take things slow. I wanted to make sure he really loved me, I didn't want history to repeat and have to go through the same pain.

Hoseok seemed to have the healing touch that cleared my soul from the scars Yoongi, Tae, and Jimin made. I no longer had bloody petals leave my lips, but instead words of utter bliss.

And I wanted to kiss him.

I was sure by now. I saw how he looked at me, the same way I looked at him. We loved each other, and I found each word he said about love true. He made the world brighter, and I had hope.

I planned a specific date, one where we'd both be at the park, under a tree that would provide shade.

I had him in my arms. I had his face inches from mine. I had our fingers intertwined and our hearts beating the same fast pace. He seemed nervous, and I grinned at the thought. 

I closed my eyes. I loved this boy. I wanted to pretend like this was my first love. This love was so different from the others. I was the one more involved in the relationship, and this time we were both equally obsessed and in love with each other. He charmed me. I didn't fall quickly, not nearly as quickly as I did for the others. Here we were, approximately 27 dates later, about to have our first kiss. I was that careful.

"WHAT THE FUCK!"

We jump from each other the moment our lips touch and turn to see an angry Yoongi. His face was red, and his eyes were bloodshot, staring at us in absolute anger.

We jumped apart as Yoongi stomped to us, and people were staring.

"Are you kidding me?!" Yoongi says. "I fucking ran away, and I never saw you, for what? The past five months? You hid from me, Hoseok! And you, Gi? You were the only person I trusted, and you fall in love with me and I realize I could only do one thing to escape my cruel fate. I got this surgery, this scar because this boy couldn't love me! And here you are, with him, and you... YOU'RE WITH HIM? You're the one who had the nerve to take the one I loved after I got rid of my ability to love!"

"Yoongi," I plead, trying to stop his outbursts towards my Hoseok. I didn't want him to yell at him. Hoseok didn't deserve this. "You're only really angry because your other emotions are intensified. You don't want-"

"YES I DO!" Yoongi yelled. I notice the white scar on the column of his throat, a long vertical line. "I gave up so much, only to find you of all people, the one I cared about, has everything I ever wanted!"

I'm silent. "I'm sorry, Yoongi."

"Save it," he hisses. "I'm leaving. Have a nice life."

I watch as he stomps off, and I look to Hoseok, thinking I should explain. "Hoseok, he... his surgery. He had Hanahaki disease, and so did I. We both bonded over it, in some sickening way, and he ended up getting the surgery since it was so deadly he would've died. Because he loved you. I got the Hanahaki disease, but instead because of him, and it just drove him to get the surgery. That's why..."

"We should end this," Hoseok says.

I'm stunned. Where did this come from?

"What?" I gasp.

"This isn't fair to him. He was my best friend, and he was yours. He loved me, and now we're together and..." Hoseok looks down. "I love you, I really do, but this isn't right."

This isn't right.

-

Months pass. I still love Hoseok, and he still loves me. I know this because I'm not throwing up petals like the last time, and even though we've been avoiding each other out of respect for Yoongi, we still yearned to be together.

But I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep going being in love and not being able to be with the one I loved. It was Fate's cruel way of showing me that I wasn't meant to stay in love. The countless times I've been broken, it was all trying to teach me a lesson.

I find myself on an operation table, a pile of bloody petals on the table beside me. They're all gone, and I'm simply left with stitches on my throat. Jin gives me a pitiful look that I ignore, as does Jimin when he comes to comfort me. I don't even bother explaining anything to him, and he simply rubs my arms, saying, "Sorry."

That night Hoseok calls me, telling me there's an emergency and he needs me there. I wear a scarf to cover up the stitches, heading over to his place.

I don't feel love.

He wasn't my love anymore.

I get to his apartment, his door already unlocked.

And I find him there. In the bathroom, surrounded by bloody daisies and clutching at his throat. It was all soaked in blood, and the petals scattered around him.

"G-Gi," he gasps, more petals falling from his lips. "I-I'm sorry for letting you go. P-Please, I'm begging, I know it probably doesn't work this way, but love me again? P-Please... I love you."

I felt broken. I felt sad and sorrowful, having pity towards him. I felt guilty for hurting him, and especially for the look he has when I slowly take off the scarf to reveal the stitches.

His body wracks in sobs in my arms, and he cries uselessly in my shoulder.

All I can do is repeat the same words in a mantra, cradling his practically already-dying body in my arms as he cries his eyes out for what I've done, for what I've ended, for what I gave up.

"I'm so sorry," I repeat. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

But it was already done and over with. The procedure was done, and there was no turning back.

I'm so sorry.