c'est nous (m.w)

when it was me

- Maymay's.

"Jealous?" 

Marco snapped me from a trance when he nudged me, holding out a cup of coffee for me. I scoffed and harshly took it out of his hands, making him put his hands up in surrender. I glanced up at the two people on the far end corner of Tanner's apartment, looking pleased with their conversation. I then shifted to look at Marco, one brow raised. "Why would I be jealous?"

It's been years since we broke up, and I should've been over it by now, right? 

"You can let it out once in a while..." Marco suggested, making me punch his arm. He was oblivious to the fact that I am just holding back the tears that are threatening to drop, and I was punching him to relieve the pain I have for the certain individual and his new girlfriend, who is inside the same room as I was. Marco stopped as he noticed a tear drop on his clothes. 

"Ate May..." He whispered. I quickly wiped off my face and stood up, forced a smile as if nothing happened. I avoided either Marco and Edward the whole night, I busied myself from even being on the same space as them, talking to the same people they were, and excused myself to go to the apartment's rooftop for some alone time. Their presence are suffocating me. I can't do it. 

-

"Goddamit, May." I whispered, "Stop crying."

I didn't change, Edward. That was the one thing I promised. 

And loving me whatever happens was one thing you promised, too. 

Looking at you, staring at her like she's the most beautiful person in the world broke the hell out of me, Edward. Looking at you, while your attention's completely at her killed me. What hurts me the most was because at one point in time, I was in her position. I was the one whom you'd look as if I'm the most precious gem in the entire universe, I was the one whom you'd care about as if I'm the most fragile thing on earth. I became the complete opposite of what you used to think about me, love. I became nothing for you when she came, like I was nothing but a dust.

She's a total goddess. She's every man's dream, and I was nothing compared to her. 

Not even close. 

"I'm not jealous." I kept on telling myself, over and over again. 

I don't want her looks, nor her traits. The only thing I want from her is you, Edward. 

I want to be the one whom you'd stare at like that, because I remember the time you used to look at me that way, love. I remember how long you'd stare, and how you'd always tell me I was beautiful even when I know I'm not, but you made me believe... You made me feel enough.

"What makes her just everything that I can never be, Edward?" 

I was once yours, and you were once mine. 

I was like a queen, because you treated me like one. We were both so in love, not knowing we would end up like this. Hell, I didn't even know we would end. But we did, Edward. We ended. Even if I don't want to, we did. I just had to let you go, because you weren't happy anymore. 

Love, how the hell did we let our love die? 

A short ding interrupted me, a text message from Marco, asking where I am. I took a deep breath before responding and standing up to go back to Tanner's apartment in the process. It took me some few hours before arriving. I can hear his voice and her laugh, a sound I didn't know would smash my heart into tiny little pieces. I shook my head as I turned to open the door. 

"Oh. Sorry, did I hurt you?" I looked down. Judging by the voice and the smell, it was him. I shook my head, "Completely fine, thanks for asking." I tried to keep my voice light. 

"Next time knock, okay?"

And next time you chose to break up with me for another girl, warn me, okay? 

I sighed. "Okay."

He opened the door for me as I walk in. I can see our friends' eyes looking all too sad at the moment. I shrugged and forced a smile. "What're you guys so sad about?" I asked, trying to make myself believe that there was nothing wrong. They all have seemed to took it as a cue to continue whatever it is they're doing. I sighed in relief. I don't want to answer some questions right now. I stole another glance at the couple who was at the door, whispering at each other. 

But no, you don't feel the same anymore. 

What makes her so much better than me?

I love you, Edward. And it still hurts.

I remember, Edward. Don't you? Does it hurt?

Because for me, the wounds are still fresh. 

I can still remember when it was me.