When I was younger my dad was my knight in shining armor
I never imagined he'd want to hurt me
But he did
I just never noticed when I was young
That he left scars on my heart
Made my mind think differently about men
And what kind of father's there out there
He made me think that alcohol was poison to everything
And with every drop is another day wasted
Like he, he wasted my days
With pathetic excuses of why he was late
I continued to wait for him to show up at my door
But the sun was already setting
When he finally decided to pull up in his old truck
And I came out happy as a little girl can ever be
Run into daddy's arms and scream "finally! What took you so long?"
I didn't know that you didn't love me
That you didn't care enough to make an effort just to see me
That your drinking and drugs were more important than your own flesh and blood
You told me when I would get older that I'd want to stay with you forever
I wanted to prove you wrong
I did.
I didn't need you anymore
but somehow I was drawn to boys that had the same characteristics as you
The same mind set
The same taste
The same whatever it was that you contained
I chased after those boys who didn't care about me
Thinking that if I tried hard enough
That if gripped onto their skin and begged for them to love me hard enough
That they would
That they wouldn't forget to text me
When they would pull up in their truck
Half past the time they were supposed to be there at my front porch
And greet me with a kiss that I knew didn't mean anything
but I still smiled anyway
I still ran out with open arms
With an open heart
Thinking that they loved me
When I crashed into their chest
And I smelled their sweet scent
I imagined everything I ever wanted
Everything I imaged inside my head
I kept picking the wrong boys
The ones that were like a siren to me
The ones I'd never think would hurt me
But they did
They left more burns on my skin
Than fire on a log
They left me second guessing of who I really was
Like him
My father always pushed me down and told me I was a cry baby
like all the other boys
They used their words to hurt me like I didn't have a voice
And when they touched me I felt gross
Like when my father would grip onto my hips
it would leave a sower taste on my lips
Maybe that's why I don't like being called "baby" or "babe"
Those words don't sound right anymore
They seem out of place like when my father used slur
I'm still the same old little girl wishing for the love I always deserved
I've been going on for so long I don't know when to stop this madness anymore
When I'd pick the right one
because all I ever cared for was the wrong
It's hard to turn so fast I'm not a switch that goes on and off
But he thought I was
And so did all the other boys
I grew older and now look down upon my biological father
He is no longer my knight in shining armor
It seems now I'm just a girl who has
Daddy issues
