My depressing journal

Entry 1

I feel like a part of me has gone and it isn't coming back. They joy in everything has left. I'm empty inside. I'm drowning in my own head. Only one little thing and it may drive me to the end. Have you ever felt used or rejected. I do all the time. I'm never good enough for anyone. I've failed my friends all I do is mess up everything. Maybe I am better off dead. What is it like to be dead I wonder. I was always scared of dying and what would happen after I die. Lately the only thing I want is to die. I think I might start planning my funeral seeing as I'm most likely going to be the next one to die in my family. Defiantly at this rate I will be. Little do they know what I'm actually like, I just act all happy and hide the sadness. See my mum says I've been acting up lately and my attitude is shit. It's because the darkness and sadness inside me has taken over I can't hide it anymore. I'm losing control over myself. I honestly couldn't give a fuck about anything anymore. This isn't an act it's the real me. No script, no plan, no structure. Just me showing who I really am because I trust you at least I think I can. Wouldn't it be amazing for the news to be all about you "Local thirteen year old India Summer Bawa found dead in her room, unfortunately was drove over the edge by suicide." It's funny how everyone starts to care after someone dies or something dramatic happens. Everyone thinks I'm happy 24/7 in reality I'm hardly happy. They don't know that, they don't need to know. I was just a kid that you could not forgive because it's harder. I love how I live my life in fear but darling I know my time is near. It's funny how quick my mood changes. Just one small thing will set me off. I'm such a fuck up maybe I should just kill myself already. I relapsed today i forgot how good it felt to cut. Lately I've been thinking of starving myself. The thought of hurting myself brings so much joy to me. People must think I'm crazy. Maybe they'll send me to another mental hospital even though it did nothing the first time I went there. They're only small little cuts you can hardly see them it's almost like they're not there so I'll be ok for now.