The Alpha's Nerd.

11. Caged Soul.

Arabelle's POV:
My life was an utter lie. The man I considered dead and gone, was standing in front of me claiming to be my father. This man was the reason, I stopped believing in everything. I had turned cold, I buried my feelings, in a crevice of my heart, where I wouldn't have to feel them ever again.
I stopped feeling to protect, my already broken heart and I was trying to heal my broken hopes.
Until Kellan came along, I had shut myself out to everything. It's scary how a person, or a moment changes everything.
How your life shifts completely.
Life isn't easy. We know that a little too well, now don't we? Life does not prepare us in adversity. But it gives us hope. Sometimes we need hope, even when we have none to call our own.
But then here arises the question:
How do I then, a person with no hope for herself, much less hoping for the good of others, am I to find me a little bit of Hope?
Hope,Faith, Trust, all these seemed useless to me. Guess the world knows this. I Arabelle Steele, am not capable of loving, or being loved. Ever. No matter how much the people around me:
My mom, Kristen or Kellan the guy that loved me, to the ends of the Earth hoped that I was:
WORTHY OF LOVE.
Guess all of us need this sometimes: to shut ourselves in silence, when the chaos in our heart and mind take over. I wanted to feel nothing for a while. I don't know how bad, or screwed up it sounded. It was good enough.
Having to escape from hurt and pain and never to feel anything again. Maybe I lost my mind. Love seemed a far fetched myth created to satisfy the human soul's hunger to feel needed, protected, safe. Maybe it never really exists in complete form. We are always chasing love, like it can heal us. It does. I don't deny that. But how can something make you giddy with happiness, cause expressive smiles, cause emotions in an overdrive and still leave you hungry for more?
And the next moment in leaves you wounded, broken disheartened, angry, distorted and yet we search for it relentlessly. Hoping that someone out there, in a sea of 7.5 billion people is made for us, someone that we can call home.
I want peace, stability and yet somewhere in the crevices of my dark heart, I want Love.
I wanna feel. I want to be complete like everyone else.
Even though admittingly, we are broken in ways indescribable. I wanna feel the beauty, that each emotion carries along with it. I wanna open my heart and myself wholly without any masks, acting like a shield.  I wanna let my guard down and fall.
Fall. Break. Mend. Get Back Up Again. 
I want to break these chains that bind me. I want to be free of the prision I have created for myself. I want to free my soul.

I want to heal. I want the world to see who I really am despite the labels, the distance these labels have created. I want to rise and be better. Just like ashes, that create the Phoenix.

I will be set free and I will fall. I will  rise and be new....

Chapter 11
Stay nerdy xxx