A Therian Journal

Forgiveness|💔|Lying|💔|Acceptance

Hey,

I feel like i have to conceal all my feelings and swallow them. Others can say them easily no matter how bad. Many people think i am alright and happy and I can control my life. No in fact i have done self harm. I hate self harm and no one should EVER do it! It's wrong but sometimes we all know this feeling. We want to see everything burn. Our loved ones, and the ones we hate. We even want ourselves to burn. Rage.... It fills us and intoxicates us. We can't do anything else. Sadly I get rage easily but i cover it up. I yell in my room as I cannot tell anyone about it with out hurting someone. everyone around me I as delicate as a thin glass vase. All i want to do it hurt sometimes. We all do and it's natural. We will all hate the people around us. But o you know that rage you call. It's not real but we make it real. You know you don't actually hate that person. while you you healing from rage don't go back.

We have to apologies as every simple thing we have done is because of our own actions. I MESS UP ALL THE TIME. I hurt someone very close to me all the time and i regret everything... I want to start over. I can't face anyone thought anymore. I am like a monster to my own eyes. Typing helps me vent it all out and make we feel better. I am hurting someone doing this though. But we have to look out for our selves sometimes too. I looked out for many people with out taking care of my self. Not just mentally but also physically. My heart hurts more and i have bags under my eyes. I am too skinny and I have low energy. I have no appetite for anything anymore. Friends are therapists and you should never treat them as such. I want to give something and hopefully it will help her. I want to give her something that i cried over. I cried while making this and i hope she likes it. While i wait for Monday i need to heal my self. I need to take off the bandages. I need to show my wounds and my cuts that drew blood. I need to heal more and more. Until i am happy and until i am not. I am hurting people around me. I need to apologize to many people in my life. I need to make things right. I WANT TO FIX THINGS! I want people to heal. I also don't want people to brush off my apologies. I want them to look into my eyes and tell me it's alright. I want them to hug me. I don't want to them yell back or blame me more. I want them to also heal. I want them to take off the bandages and look me in the eyes. I want them to say sorry also. but not sorry to me but, sorry to others. I want all my jealousy and rage to go away! I want to except the people i hate! I want to love the people i love! But I'm not... I am hurting my self. I am typing what i want to do. Have i done it yet?

                                                                          no.

I am lying...

I am not healing right now, I am typing how i will heal.

I am scared to heal

I am scared to talk out

I want to hide

But if i hide i know i will never heal. I will continue to hurt! So tomorrow... tomorrow i will heal! I need to heal. So i can heal others around me.

- Axus of the Lunar Mountain Pack <3