Tacenda

Coffee Beans and Apologies

I rolled out of bed

Cocooned in a layer of regret slick with cold sweat

The sheets piled at the base of my bed lay as tangled as the knots in my stomach

I gingerly placed my feet on the cool floor boards

The chill pierced through the soles of my feet and up through the rest of me

I stood in front of my mirror and stared at the tired eyes looking back at me

Furiously rubbing the heels of my palms against my eyes to erase the guilt reflected in them

I left the room and made sure to shut the door as quietly as possible

But the hollow slamming from last night echoed back at me

And brought with it a recollection of our argument

Shooting red hot glares at each other with our eyes

Reveling in frustration for no other reason but to feel the anger burning in our guts

Sarcastic words and hurtful shouts swirled around us

And bits of glass raining down when frustration became too much to control

Clenching our fists tighter and tighter by our sides as if it would help hold back the tears

We were convinced our irrational anger would sooth us in the end

But we went to bed dragging guilt and shame behind us

By now the fire has died down leaving only choked up ‘sorry’s and cold toes

I passed your room

Door shut tight - locking out any chance of reparation

The living room felt as if it had been frozen in time

Left just as it was the night before in order to honor an occasion that now felt years past

I felt like a ghost wandering an abandoned movie set where it didn’t belong

Worn furniture designed to look lived in and loved in

Remained soulless and haunted by cold stiffness

As if the idea of human occupancy was just a myth told by the old grandfather clock

A cracked picture frame face down on the floor presented the only proof that last night had occurred

Looking back with my eyes locked on the frame - I stumbled out of the living room only to find the kitchen left just as untouched and desolate

The walls and tiles held their breath

Even the refrigerator’s hum was smothered by a heavy stillness

Desperate to warm myself, I began making our morning coffee

Black for me and cappuccino for you

I pulled open the cabinet and it squeaked just as I heard the creaking of your bedroom door opening

We both froze as we sensed eachothers presence

Scared to meet your eyes I continued about my business

Rattling coffee grounds covered up the sound of your steps

Unsaid words were swallowed by sloshing water

Thick milk covered the deep mahogany beneath it, but failed to cloud over my worries

Still unable to offer you my eyes, I passed you your cup instead

Two pairs of hands wrapped around hot mugs, served as the only heat able to break through the cold

Glaring into the steam rising from my cup, I built up my courage the best I could

I found some relief in the thought that you were likely suffering under the same silence I was

I breathed in the comforting coffee scent and it gave me the strength to set things right

I lifted my head, with apologies threatening to bubble from out of my mouth

My eyes registered your bed mussed hair, then your sheepish eyes, and finally a foamy white mustache across your upper lip

You stared at me strangely as I burst into laughter

You questioned my outrageous behavior but I could barely form words from between my peals of laughter

You frantically turned to the toaster to check your reflection

The distortion of your features in the curved reflection only added to my humor

Instead of wiping the milk from your lip you joined me in laughter

Our giggles told me that there was hope of being okay again

As happy as we were, I knew an apology urgently needed to be made

“I’m so sorry I said those things.”

“It’s okay. We all have bad days. Thank you for the coffee.”

“Anytime Mom. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

We grew silent again

But this time the quiet was peaceful and warm

We smiled at each other over the tops of our mugs, each big gulp bringing us closer back together

No fight could ever be so big that it couldn’t be fixed with our morning cups of coffee

…..oh, and a milk mustache helps to