Only for Carter

Chapter 8 - Close Call

I seat in complete silence, with my back pressed against my bedroom wooden door. What just happened? Carter has never been so hot headed towards me before. Am I ruining everything for him? Am I such a bad sister that I can't even let him communicate to his own father. Tears are starting to stain my cheeks once again. His words on repeat in my mind. "... I wish you were the one that got kicked out." "...because seriously you need to grow up." I slap my face constantly, it doesn't cause enough pain. I need to feel Carters pain. I need to feel the pain I've caused.

Bending my knees, I awkwardly push myself up off the ground, I wipe the tears away from my eyes and head towards the bathroom. Looking at my own reflection hurts. My hair is a mess, my eyes are red and puffy, my mascara has run down my face. I bring my hands up to the buttons on my overalls and slowly unbutton them. The top part falls, stopping just at my waist. I grip the sheer top and pull it over my head, I stare at myself a little more, before I turn towards the shower and turn on the hot faucet. I don't bother to turn the cold nob, I already feel cold enough inside. The bathroom slowly steams up. Bending down I open the cupboard doors, pushing aside all my makeup, I reach to the back. Finding what I'm looking for brings such high relief, no one has searched my stuff.

Standing back up I look into the now fogged up mirror. I stare down into my hand, and at the broken razor. It looks exactly how I left it. I wipe a clear strip in the mirror, and grip the razor hard in my hand. I bring it towards my torso and cut one extensive line across it. The pain is a relief, most of the thoughts in my head have gone. POOF!! Just like that. I gaze at myself and the cut. Carter's words swim around in my head. I cut again, and again, and again. I don't even flinch at the sting, it's all just becomes a big blur.

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Cutting is like an addiction to me, I get high off the feeling. I try so hard not to do what I do, but if you take one step in my shoes, you'll probably would have already killed yourself. The only person who got me, was my mum. The person who isn't here anymore. When Carter first found out I did it, he didn't talk to me for weeks. He thought I was just attention seeking, but I wasn't. I swear on my own life. It all started October 4th, 2012, the day my father came home completely drunk. It wasn't the first time either, he came home nearly every night drunk or high. But October 4th, the night I don't think me or even Carter will ever forget.

It was 3:18am when our father returned home stumbling through the door. He was so drunk I didn't bother to go check up on him. He frightened me. He kept stumbling around the small house, my bedroom was right next to the lounge room so I could hear everything going on. I looked over to my bedside table, to my alarm clock. 3:30am. It had been 12 minutes before he came stumbling into my room. I pretended I was asleep. I laid there as still as possible, I held my breath. The only thought running through my mind is, what is he going to do to me? I remember how the bed sank to the side when he sat down next to me. The way my heart was pumping hysterically. The way his long, rough, hands pulled the blankets down off my face, to around my waist. I was left lying there with nothing but an over-sized-tee and my panties. His hands make his way down towards the bottom of my t-shirt. I pray silently to myself, apologizing for all the sins I've done and made. By now his hand is under my top reaching towards my breast. "I know you are awake princessssss, you enjoy thisssss?" My heart completely stops. I roll my head so its facing my bed side table. 3:39am. Opening my mouth I scream as loud as I can. His large hand stops me half way. It's only then do I realise I'm the only one home. I'm helpless. Tears flow down my cheeks, one after another. 4:00am. I'm finally left alone. I should be up calling someone, telling them what just happened, I should be washing his touch of my skin. I should be doing something. But I don't, I lay there, quietly weeping to myself.

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Wednesday. The day in the middle of the week. The day that is two days closer to the weekend. And the day I wake up and don't remember what happened last night. The only thing I remember before it all went black was, the way I looked in the mirror. The cuts along my torso, the blood running down my body, the way my face was red and swollen from all the crying. I stumble out of bed slowly, while how I managed to get to bed. The house seems louder than it usually is. My appearance attracts my attention in the mirror besides my door. I'm half naked still, only my panties are on with all cuts still visible. "FUCK!" I whisper-scream. I scramble into the bathroom and have the quickest shower.

I put on my ex's sweater and a pair of booty shorts before I make my way down stairs for breakfast. Looking at the clock on the wall, opposite the stairs, I realise it's 12:05pm. I've slept half the day. I brush it off and walk into the kitchen, where the noise is all coming from. There before my eyes, stands all three boys. Maddox in the left corner, pissed off. Carter looking in the fridge. And Nicholas, sitting on one of the stools laughing. I stop half way through the door, why is Nicholas here? And why is Maddox so pissed? They all turn around to stare at me, making me feel even more smaller.

"You know, they have invented pants you bimbo?" Carter says whilst pushing past me with a chocolate milk in his hand. "Come on Nicholas lets go watch the race." Nicholas clumsily gets off the stool and speeds past with his head down.

"I don't mind if you're not wearing pants." Maddox smoothly says. I walk towards the fridge and purposely push out my butt, while looking for food. Feeling his presence behind me, I stand up straight and turn around. He pushes me up against the freezer door. "In fact, it is easy access." He smirks and winks at the same time. He goes in for the kiss but he stops when the sound of footsteps appears. He quickly jumps away, and I quickly turn around and pretend I'm looking in the fridge.

"You guys seen my phone?" Nicholas' voice booms through the now quiet kitchen. I turn around and look on the kitchen bench. I pick up the dishtowel and their sitting is a mobile phone. Picking it up I wave it at Nicholas. "thank you so much." He walks around the bench, closing the gap between us he kisses my cheek, whilst grabbing the phone out of my hand.

I wait until he leaves the room before I turn to Maddox. Fuck that was close!!!