Only for Carter

Chapter 3 - so much for fun

My eyes have become numb and I am no longer crying. This is never going to be home. Home is were you feel safe, were you can laugh and communicate with the people you love. It's knowing that nothing is going to hurt you because you are surrounded by joy and happiness. This does not feel like home. Home is back in Melbourne, with mum in our tiny apartment that is...was too small for 3 people. But it was okay because I knew when you were in those walls not one person could bring you down. Specially with mum there.

I decide to get up and look around my room examining everything closer. Everything looks so expensive, nothing looks out of place. I spin around a couple of times and take in my surroundings. I stop when I see two doors either side of the desk on the right wall. Walking over to the one closer to the window I open it up to find a walk in closet. It's not to big and not to small, it has shelfs on one side and racks on the other. Shoe racks all around the bottom, with shoes on it. That's when I realise that there is clothes on the shelfs and racks. Walking over to a pair of light denim overalls, surprisingly they are my size. Squatting down, I pick up a pair of the red and white converse, what a surprise, my size. Feeling creeped out I slowly back out of the wardrobe.

I make my way towards the second door, opening it up, I'm taken aback. It's a bathroom. I walk in slowly, taking in the appearance of the white glossy floor tiles, marbled black tiles on the wall. The colour scheme is same as it is in my bedroom, pastel pink and pastel grey. I feel spoilt but at the same time I feel like it's not enough. Something is missing in here. The sink is placed in the middle of the toilet and bath/shower. It has the most elegant matte black faucet I have ever seen. I rub my hand on it and feel the smoothness of it. Looking up I see my own reflection in the large mirror. People say I'm beautiful, but how can you feel beautiful on the outside, if you don't even feel like it on the inside. I look the other way disgusted by own appearance, and turn on the showers faucet. I shut the bathroom door and start to undress my self, until I'm in nothing but my black Lacey underwear. I stare into the mirror that has been half covered in steam, and I just stand there, looking at the weak person in front of me. She's fat. She's ugly. Her thighs are the size of an elephants leg. Her boobs are too big. Her ass is too big. She's me.

I open the cupboard door that is under the sink, in search for anything sharp. At the back is a brand new packet of razors, opening the packet, I take one out and place it onto the counter above. I remove the last bit of clothing I have on and step into the bath tub. I simply put the plug in and wait for the shower to fill the tub. The water is boiling hot but I can hardly feel it. Picking up the razor I slide down into the tub. The water slowly reaches my body and then starts to cover me. I take the razor and smash it against the side. It breaks the first go and sinks to the bottom. So they are rich but can't buy decent razors, I think to myself. Picking up one of the blades, I bring it to my left wrist. I place it vertically on top of own of my veins, ready to slice through my delicate skin.

I close my eyes and take a deep breathe. Carter's face flashes up and is gone within a second. I open my eyes and sit up admittedly. Water splashes outside of the tub. The blade slices my wrist in the process. Looking towards my wrist the cut blends in to the wrist of the previous cuts. The sting feels satisfying but hurts like a bitch. I pick up the blade and slice a little more. The water has turned a soft rose colour and has risen to the top of the tub. I stand up and turn of the faucet and unplug the tub. Stepping out, I grab the black towel and dry myself off. Wrapping the towel around my bare body. I open the door to find Maddox sitting at the edge of my bed.