Seven

7

Reason Number 7: Graham.

A set of two brothers, and both of them make it onto my reasons list. Just as Graham has told me, I shouldn't really associate the two of them with each other, but Graham has made it so easy to lately.

And then he drops this whole "love" thing on me, making me even more confused. With all of these recent occurrences, Graham is certainly not one of my favorite people, thus landing him on my list.

//

I'm sitting in history class when it all comes to me.

I have never been as depressed as I have been feeling over this past week, and I have been thinking about ending my life for a very long time. Comparing the two together, you can see how much I really have been thinking about my life. I have had depression for so long, yet I have never felt as bad as I've been feeling lately.

I also realized that today I named my number seven. I just decided this morning that Graham would be a reason. He's made my life so miserable these past few days, causing so many issues, I feel like he deserves it maybe even more than some of the other six people on my list.  Even though it's only been a couple days with issues from Graham, he's made way too many mistakes these past couple days to be given forgiveness in my mind.

At the same time, Graham makes seven. Since I began making my list, I told myself that I could not kill myself until I reached seven very important, reasons. Today I hit seven. Technically, now I don't have anything holding me back from committing suicide.

Seven has always been my favorite number. Right when I began feeling suicidal, I could easily think of four or five reasons. I decided that seven would be the limit. Seven has, routinely, been my number for everything, and this is not the cut-off for that number. Eventually, six reasons came to me, and it took me almost another eight months or so until I finally thought of this seventh.

Sure, shitty things have happened to me, but I don't add them to my list unless they are repetitive and truly horrible. That's when they are officially added to my list.

In that very moment sitting at my desk in history class, I decide that this just might be my last history class ever.

Today, November 7th, may just be my day.

//

By the time the end of the day rolls around, I'm feeling more reflective.

I will never walk the halls of this school again. I will never plug in the 07-23-34 locker code ever again. I did nothing in my classes today, because I'll never step foot in another classroom again. Every person that I saw in the halls today, I won't see them again. My teachers, my "friends", even the assholes–none of them will ever see me again. Nobody will ever get to make fun of me again or make a rude comment again. I mean, they could, but who's mean to a dead girl?

Over the course of the day, when the obnoxious boys at school would continue to shout crude things at me, I began feeling more and more confident in my decision for later today. I never want to hear something like that ever again, but this might be the only way to avoid it.

The worst part of this is that I'm not even feeling sad. More so, I'm feeling happy that I can finally be removed from all the burdens that I'm surrounded with.

By the time I get home, I clean up my room and then sit down at my desk.

To whomever may be reading this:

I don't even know if that was the correct way of using who/whom. I'm not sure. Anyways, if you're finding this quite some time after the event, well this is Mackenzie. Mackenzie Jacqueline Coleman. I know, I know, I'm dead. At least I'm hoping for that outcome. Morbid, I know, but it's the truth. If you're reading this, then you've probably made my life a living hell. Most people involved in my life have.

To my mother: I love you so much, and I'm sorry that a) you ended up marrying the worst man that I have ever met and b) you have such a horrible condition that did not allow the two of us to be as close as I wish we could have. I'm sorry that I'm your only daughter and I do such a shit job at handling things.

To Myra: you were my best friend, never forget that. You were really my only true friend. Everyone else at school hated me. You got me through so much more than you could ever imagine, and I thank you so much. I would give a lot to show you my gratitude. I'm sorry for permanently ending our friendship.

To Jared: You have made my life horrible. You have abused me, you have been so completely rude and offensive, and I hope there comes a time where you get a consequence for it.

To Liam: You haven't played the biggest role in my life, but you really started the bullying that I faced throughout high school. I'm not blaming it on you. You were just having sex one night at a party. Clearly, I took it much more seriously. I hate myself for it. Again, not your fault, but you still made my life at school pretty bad.

To everyone at school: You have all been so awful to me that I cry myself to sleep on most nights. I dread going to school everyday. I fight off tears during every period of everyday. I just hope to God that nobody ever makes another person feel as shitty as half of the people at school made me feel.

Finally, To Graham: I wasn't planning on even addressing you in this, but I changed my mind. I've just now discovered that I love you, too. Not enough to justify everything that you did to me, but you're a good guy. I wish you did something stronger to help me when I needed it when we first met, but any regret I have is much more aimed at me than you. I'm sorry.

To everyone reading this: I'm sorry for killing myself. I've been thinking about it for so long, there's really been no options left for me for a very long time. I can't stop crying right now, and it's more of a happy cry than a sad cry. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm sorry to end it so brutally, but this is all the truth. I know that some won't believe me, but I hope you take my word for it. Everything that most of you did to me is so fucked up, and I could not physically handle it anymore.

I guess that's all I have to say in the rest of this note.

Sincerely,
Mackenzie