Burn the Pages

call me guilty.

November 18

I'm trying this because she said you'll listen with open ears and won't judge and I think at this point I'm willing to try anything. I know you won't ever reply to these and at first I thought that would really upset me but I think I've come to realize that it's exactly what I'll need. I don't think I need a response. I don't think I need advice. I think I just need someone to listen and go along with it. Listen and be on my side even when I'm making the wrong decision. If I write to you, maybe a couple months down the line I'll be able to look back and be proud of the changes I've made. Plus if I know you won't judge me for grammar mistakes once I get into the flow and stop remembering how to write like a proper Ivy League graduate.

She said I should tell you everything so you have all the pieces. She said I just have to keep on writing and writing and writing until I'm sure you have everything you need to work it all out for me while I'm asleep. I know you won't reply. I know you'll just take this all in. But I really am hoping that you can help me.

I was trying to think of something to tell you. Because I know otherwise me starting to write letters to you today makes no sense.
It kind of seems like I started for no reason. I could've started yesterday or the day before. I could have even started tomorrow and it wouldn't have made a difference, so by all means it feels like starting today makes no sense. I've found something to tell you. My story starts today and you need to know why today and not yesterday or tomorrow.

I heard something on the bus ride home that really turned it all around for me. I don't usually eavesdrop on other people's conversations, and I know it might be a little rude, but I think I'm going to start doing that more often. I think it's kinda amazing what you can find out just by listening to people other than the voices inside your own head. I know it's not the most effective technique, and it's probably not a good idea, but listening to how bad someone else's life is really does make you feel better about your own. At least that's the case for me. I listened to a conversation and learned about how this woman's husband was suing her for custody of their three kids and in the midst of that it really started to dawn on me that men truly are the root of all evil.

This wasn't my big enlightening moment that turned it all around for me, but it's worth the honorable mention. Men really are big pieces of crap who just assert their dominance over everyone just because they think they can. I know I can't really judge much because I don't know the woman on the bus but I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that she's a good mother. I think so just by the way she talked about her kids and how much she loved them. And that alone made me think about the fact that her husband probably only wants to take her kids away just because he can.

I'm not naive. I know people lie. I know that woman could have just been saying anything to save face and for all I know, she's actually a horrible mother. Because people lie and they make things up and they put up very convincing fronts but there's a part of me that really just wants to believe that she was telling the truth. I wanna believe that the tears in her eyes were real when she was talking about her kids. I really wanna believe that there are people out there who aren't lying when they say they love someone. Even if it is a random stranger on the bus.

The woman's friend told her that things aren't going to get better if she just sits around and waits for them to. She told her that things won't get better unless she puts forth an effort and makes things change for herself, and that's what makes today so much different than yesterday and the other days that came before when I took the bus home. As soon as I heard that, it was like a lightbulb went off inside my head. It was like the pieces all connected, the gates opened up and the answer was waiting for me prepped and served on a silver platter. Everything just started to make sense.