Burn the Pages

changing faces.

November 19

I think this is how it's supposed to work, but I'm not sure. I think I'm supposed to write to you whenever I feel unsure. Whenever I don't think I can make it anymore. Whenever I don't know if I'm right or if I'm wrong or if I'm a little bit of both. Karolee says the best part about you is that you won't judge or tell me if I'm wrong.

Do you ever wish that God could come sit on the edge of your bed, put his hand on your back, tell you that it's okay and here's exactly what you should do?

I don't even know if I believe in God anymore. Truth be told, I don't know if I really ever did. It's not like I ever went to church. The only time I've ever set foot in a church was at our wedding. But for all intents and purposes, I think my faith is clear. I don't know if I have faith in God. But I have faith in something.

I have faith that someday it's going to get better. I have faith in that eventually, I'll learn everything about him and know what to avoid. I already know most of his triggers, like if the milk isn't 2% or if the toilet paper goes on the roll the opposite way. And I know that he doesn't like shoes on the carpet which, I can't really blame him for. I usually tally up the marks on my body after the day's end, but I didn't count that one a couple weeks ago. I deserved that one. Persian carpets are really expensive.

All I need is to learn him. That's all I need. I've almost got him completely down, I think. I almost have him down. And when I do, it's all going to be better, isn't it? I know you can't reply, but I really wish you could. I really wish you could tell me that I'm right. That as soon as I learn which buttons I shouldn't push, it'll all go back to the way it was in the beginning.

But what if it doesn't? That's what scares me. What if this is the way it's always going to be? I know when I married him I said for better or worse, but what if there is no for better? What if nothing ever does change? What if I never learn him 100% and I'm constantly just pushing his buttons and I just... have to deal with this forever?

He seems like two different people and I don't understand it. I don't understand how someone can be so good, but so bad at the same time. It just doesn't make any sense to me and I'm scared that it never will. I'm scared that I will always be stuck never knowing which way is up or which way is down. I'm scared that I never will know why sometimes his eyes look at me like I'm the greatest thing he's ever seen and sometimes they look at me like I'm the reason for everything that's bad in this world. I'm scared that I'll never know how his hands could wipe away my tears, then switch to wrapping themselves around my neck.

I love him. I really really love him. But I don't want to love him anymore. Loving him hurts. Loving him hurts so bad and I don't want to hurt anymore. Can someone please tell me how to stop loving him? I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore.

I know you can't reply but please... I just need to know how to stop loving him.

Brooke.

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While Hannah flutters around the kitchen, I watch her, lost in my own thoughts. Even though it seems creepy, I do this a lot. I like watching Hannah. She's the only one who works for me that I like. Claudia's fine, sure. She doesn't talk much. She keeps her head down and cleans all day. She never really says much to me. Probably because she figures I'm like him.

But Hannah is different. Hannah is my favorite. Hannah intrigues me. I like the way she always looks the same. Even the tight cornrows in her long black hair are always the exact same.