Have you ever just wished you were never born? Never to be seen on earth? Have you ever wished to just leave? Pack your bags and go? Or better yet, just leave all together? Do you ever wonder if you left right now would anyone miss you? Would anyone care? Who'd grieve? Who'd show up to your funeral? Who were the true people who cared about you? Have you ever wondered about the future? What if you did do it? What if you didn't? How would your life turn out? How would it affect those you love? These were the questions that ran through my mind every day, every night.
Today was especially worst. It started off a normal day; waking up, finding an outfit to hide the scars, makeup to shield the tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes. A perfect mask to hide what I was really feeling inside. I got to school on time, much to my dismay, and waited for the judging and cruel remarks, expecting them right when I entered the door. The judge filled looks and immature actions going on behind me didn't faze me anymore. It's like I was hallow. I had no feelings. I lived my life and acted like the person that my parents wished I was; a smart, beautiful, outgoing, yet shy at times, perfect girl. Which to their dismay was my exact polar opposite. I wasn't the perfect girl they wished to have, I was normal, in my book, but I had a lot of regrets that piled up and a voice in the back of my head that reminded me I wasn't pretty, I wasn't beautiful, I wasn't smart, I wasn't perfect, and I didn't deserve to be where I was.
I was Anna. Just Anna. A girl with a lot of problems. A lot of regrets. A girl who lost all hope that life was going to get better. A girl who lost all hope in the world and was waiting to gain the confidence to take her life or let nature take the wheel. I came from a dysfunctional family: my dad cheated on my mom when I wasn't even born yet, leaving me with a 6 month younger sister. She taking him back multiple times before gaining the confidence to finally say "Leave. Get out. I deserve better then you." Even with his "mistake" I’ve always had this feeling deep inside that it was my fault. I'm the reason my family tore apart. I cause the problems. If I wasn't here my mom would finally be happy, my family would be happy, life would go on.
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As I sat in the back of my last period class dreading the moment I had to give a speech, a speech that so happened to be all about me, I couldn't help but notice the strange stares from the corner of my eye. Yes, I got stares every day. But, these were different. They weren't judgmental. They had this hint of anger in them. A look that I've never experienced. A look I didn't quite understand. But I couldn't help but ask Why? What did I do? Why do you judge me? Why can't you just leave me alone?
"Anna. Hello Anna." My teacher snapped me out of my thoughts. Erupting a little panic attack inside of me, knowing it was time to give my speech. A speech that was all about me. Or a speech that was what everyone wanted to hear, a lie that I told everyone, my fake life. "Your speech. Please head to the podium at the front."
I slowly edged to the end of my seat and stood up. I grabbed my notecards and cautiously walked to the front of the room, afraid someone would trip me on my way. I got the usual stares as I stood behind the podium waiting for the timer to start.
"Ready… Go." My teacher told me with a cheerful smile, yet I knew she didn't want to be here almost as much as I didn't.
"My name is Anna Jones. I live with my mom and step father. I have an older brother and a half-sister." That was probably the only true part of my speech. "My family and I go on multiple vacations each year. They vary from Hawaii to Colorado. We spend most of our time with friends and our immediate family. And we are very happy. I love my family. And can do anything with their help." I ended my speech with a fake smile that may have had a hint or realness seeing as no one interrupted or shouted out immature responses.
"**Cough Cough** Freak **Cough Cough**" I spoke too soon. A boy in the middle of the classroom hid his voice in his sweater but his words were prominent as they echoed throughout the room. "Freaks a liar. That whole speech was a lie."
"Enough Tommy." My teacher came to my rescue, or so I thought. "Is it true, Anna, was your speech a lie?"
"Um-um-ya see-um-uhh-um-yes." I stuttered out, looking at my feet embarrassed to face her eyes.
"Take a seat. I’ll discuss this with your parents." I walked back to my seat, everyone snickering at my teacher’s recent comments.
***BELLL***
I quickly grabbed my books and rushed out of the room, scared id be stopped and called a freak. I didn't even bother going back to my locker seeing as I had everything I needed. I headed to my car and grabbed my phone from my bag.
1 NEW TEXT MESSAGE
Mom: please pick up some noodles for dinner before you come home. And remember you can't come home till 7 because it’s being shown to buyers.
Reply to Mom: Alright. I’ll probably just go to the park or something.
I sighed. Turned my car on and headed for the grocery store. When I pulled into the parking lot I couldn't help but notice the big black truck parked next to me. It was huge, with tinted windows all over. It was intimidating compared to my small Toyota.
