I'd Live For You, If Only I Could (Completed)

Eighteen

This update is celebratory because I somehow survived this insane school year and made it through exams. (Shout out to Angel for helping me through some low points this year❤)

I call Kirstie the second Scott leaves.

"Hi, babe." she says cheerfully through a mouthful of something. She is at lunch right now.

"Hi. I need a favor."

"Anything."

"Can you convince Scott to accept my request to send him to Venice?"

"Um...sure. I can try. Any reason why?"

"I haven't used my Wish yet and he wants to go there, so I figured I could send him without him having to worry about finances."

"That's so sweet!" she squeals. "What about you? Would you be going with him?"

"No, definitely not. I can barely leave my room, let alone the country." There is a long pause, and I suspect that she is picking up on what I am not saying.

"You're going to send him when you're at your worst, aren't you? So he's not here when you...you know."

"You know me so well."

"I love you, but I don't know if I can do that. Help you, I mean."

"Why not?!" I yell, angry that no one is willing to help me with this plan. "Why the hell can't you just..." My voices fades out and I shut my eyes, fighting tears.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't fucking good enough, Kirst."

"Mitch-"

"No. Listen. I know I don't have very long left. He knows that, too. Everyone knows that. Why can't I just do something for my boyfriend that I think will benefit him in the long run?!"

"Please calm down. I don't want you to hurt yourself." The pleading tone of her voice, the way her words tremble, is the only thing that draws my breaths even and my words steady again.

"Can you come see me?"

"After school."

"I need you now." My eyes start to water and my lips tremble.

"My lunch period is almost over. I don't want to be late for class."

"Please." She sighs.

"Okay, but if I get in trouble, I'm blaming you."

"I'll take full responsibility."

****

Kirstie shows up ten minutes later with a bundle of balloons in hand, shrugging at me when I raise a skeptical eyebrow at her. She ties them to the table with great difficulty while tears begin to cool my hot cheeks. For nearly half an hour, she sits on the bed with me and lets me cry into her shoulder, occasonally verifying that I can breathe okay and trying to calm me down, to no avail. After I finally stop crying, everything in me feels drained and worn out. She begins to tell me about classes, and what I have missed.

"Scott keeps saying he knows you're going to come back soon. Did he tell you that? Probably." I nod, closing my eyes while she grabs my hand. "He's very excited about it, you know."

"Don't remind me." She starts to rub my back, jumping sharply when the door swings open and I snap my head up. My mom stands in the doorway, a tote on her shoulder and a Starbucks cup in hand. "Kirst, sorry I made you late for class. You can go now."

"Are you sure? I'm more than willing to stay."

"Yeah, go ahead. Thanks for coming." She kisses my cheek and bounces out of the room.

"Bye. See you tomorrow." she calls over her shoulder.  My mom replaces her, sitting in the small crater left in the mattress and handing me the warm cup.

"Thanks. I need this today."

"You look exhausted." I lift the cup to my lips, pleased to smell caramel, and take a long drink.

"Macchiato. My favorite. Thank you so much." We sit in a tense silence, making awkward eye contact every once and a while until I finally say, "Why hasn't dad come recently? I miss him."

"He's out of town." she says curtly, pursing her lips together in a way that raises question in my head and worry in my stomach.

"For what?"

"Uh, work."

"That's a lie. You're the worst liar. Did something happen between you two?"

"No."

"Tell me the truth, Mom. Please, I just want to know what's going on."

"Nothing's going on. Everything's fine. Your father is just away for work and he'll be back soon. He said he would be back soon."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry."

"No, it's okay. He hasn't been visiting, you deserve to know why. Not a big deal, anyhow. Just away on business."

"Okay." I take another small sip before taking a single breath and asking, "Why did you tell Scott? You said you wouldn't." She bows her head, staring at the floor with a deliberate intensity, avoiding my stare at all costs.

"I couldn't let you do that to him."

"Do what to him? Help him? Make him be able to move on in peace and ease instead of hating where he is for the rest of his life? Because that's what I was trying to do."

"He wouldn't have gone anyway."

"He was considering it. I could tell. He might have gone."

"Don't you want to go with him?"

"Of course I do." I say quietly, looking over at all the machines attached to my body. "I would love nothing more than to travel away from all of this with him. But what makes you think I could do that? I'm getting worse by the day, and I'm not going to get better. I can't travel by plane, and if we traveled by car...we can't even get to Italy by car. We would have to take a plane." I shake my head as tears push at my eyes. I wipe them away before they fall, playing with a thread on my blanket.

"What if I found a way to get you there with him? Do you think he would go if you were with him?"

"That kind of defeats the purpose. Then he'll hate Venice the way his mom does."

"Maybe, but he doesn't live there."

"He's dreamed of going there for most of his life. I couldn't take that away from him."

"Mitch," my mom sighs, taking my hand between her own. "You are too nice. You know that? Are you saying that if I found a way to take you to Venice with Scott, you wouldn't do it?"

"How would that work?"

"Are you considering it?" I nod slowly, a glimmer of hope bursting inside me at the possibility. "Let me see what I can do, who I need to talk to. If you're willing, then so am I. I'll try to help you." With that, she kisses my forehead and walks out to find Dr. Jayne.

****