I'd Live For You, If Only I Could (Completed)

Twenty-Two

Don't hate me please

Scott, my mom, and I spend the entire day walking - they walk and Scott pushes my chair - around the city in the snow, looking at storefronts and the Christmas tree in the square and the ice skating rink, reminiscing about things we did as kids and just enjoying ourselves. As the sun is setting, we go into Macy's to see the tree in there and see how it is decorated. As we get closer, I see what appear to be pieces of paper hanging from the bottom branches of the enormous tree, under all the colorful ornaments. When we get right in front of it, I see that they are paper angels with notes written on them. Beside the tree, a sign that says 'people's prayers' has more of the angels, blank ones, hanging from it.

"Mitch." my mom says quietly, drawing my attention away from the sign. She is holding one of the angels, staring at it with tears in her eyes. "Look at this. Read it." She hands it to me, biting her lip and turning away. Scott reads it over my shoulder.

"'I want Mitch from room 305 down the hall to get better because I'm going to Heaven tonight. -Monica from room 371.' Did you know this girl?" he says. I raid my memory, trying to remember. All of a sudden, I remember the night I saw the little girl in the window across from mine. The little girl who died in her sleep named Monica.

"I never met her." I answer, my heart swelling as I remember waving to her, seeing her point toward the street and then disappearing into her bedroom. "I know who she is. She was amazing."

****

Finally, once it gets dark out, we go back to the car and start out of the city to Kirstie's house.

"How's your Christmas Eve been, baby?" Scott asks, readjusting himself to lay with his head in my lap, squished between me and the other back door.

"It's been...indescribable. Amazing. The best I've ever had. Thank you guys so much, I love you both more than the world. I wish I could do more for you, love you longer." I play with Scott's hair to distract myself from what I really want to say, pushing it away until I forget altogether.

****

It is around the time when we pick Kirstie up that I start to feel a little sick to my stomach and my head begins to hurt more than usual. We pull into Kirstie's driveway, Scott sliding into the middle seat as she bounces out of her house and sprints to the car. When she gets in, her cheeks are already red from the biting cold outside that came with nightfall.

"Hi, guys. Mitchie, I missed you. Sorry I haven't been to see you recently." she says, reaching over and poking my arm lightly. I am too focused on not throwing up on the floor to answer, so I just make eye contact with her once and stare down again.

"You okay, Mitch?" Scott asks quietly in my ear as Kirstie fires up a conversation with my mom. Again, I don't answer. I just put my hand on his knee, a sign we made up a long time ago that says 'I'm okay' without saying anything. He does the same thing to me, nodding, and then wrapping his arm around my waist. We start to drive down Kirstie's street slowly, admiring all the decorated houses and how beautiful they look. I lean my forehead against the freezing window, suddenly breaking into a sweat. I can practically feel my face paling by the second, and my stomach is trying hard to empty out. I tap Scott's knee twice and he looks over abruptly. That's another sign we made up. 'Something's wrong'. I look up at him, biting my wobbling lip to keep from breaking down as I feel everything start to rise in me. "Mrs. Grassi, pull over."

"Why? Everything okay back there?" She pulls over to the side of the road too slow, and before I can open the door or anything, everything inside me is coming up and onto the floor at my feet. Scott pushes Kirstie out the other way and runs over to my side to help me out as I get sick again, this time in the snow. He holds my waist while I stare at the ground on my hands and knees, praying for it to stop. Suddenly, I start coughing hard, and dread fills me when I taste the familiar copper taste in my mouth. I try to stand up, only to get immediately lightheaded and collapse back against Scott, trying harder than anything to take a breath.

"We're going to take you back to the hospital, Mitchy. Everything will be okay." I can feel that I am back in the car, but everything feels numb, like I'm watching this happen from another dimension. The whole ride feels like an eternity, and I feel less and less present by the minute. I can feel my body shutting down on me, including my lungs. I can barely breath; it's the same feeling as when I get disconnected from my oxygen, but it is still in my nose and the machine is still running perfectly fine. I'm the broken machine this time.

****

I wake into a state of half consciousness, not enough to open my eyes or make out words, but enough to hear that people are talking around me. Their voices are mixing together and everything sounds foreign. I can't feel anything, either, and it feels like floating in the air. I can hear the heart monitor, also smeared into the collage of foreign voices. The beats are coming slowly, not nearly fast enough for my heart to be keeping me alive. Suddenly, my eyes crack open and I see Scott standing above me. I notice every detail about him in that moment: the way his hair is sticking to his forehead, how his eyes are bloodshot and shining brighter than ever, the fact that he is holding onto me but I can't feel it. Everything in my body feels heavy and slow, like it is trying desperately to give up, but something is holding it back. He is holding it back. And then, something happens. He opens his mouth, and I hear what he says. Above everything else.

"It's okay. I love you, but you can go if you want. I won't be upset with you." My heart beat slows even more. And I close my eyes. I needed his permission to go, because I tried to live for him. But I couldn't.