I'd Live For You, If Only I Could (Completed)

Twenty

It is my first day going back on Chemo, and I am sad to recognize some of the people in the room when they sit me down beside my IV. A friend of mine, Jared, is sitting in the same chair he always did, reading a book while his mom sits across from him, asking if he wants to talk to his dad. His dad is away, deployed to somewhere that I never got the name of. He looks up when I walk in, sadness flashing in his eyes. Down the row of chairs a little more, I see another friend that I met during Chemo last time named Alexis. This time, my spot is next to her.

"Hi, Mitch." I notice her glance up at my hair, how it's grown back since last time I saw her. She's two years younger than me. "I see you're back for more."

"I couldn't stay away." I joke, trying to make light of the situation as Dr. Jayne cleans the spot on my arm where she is going to connect the IV. I barely even feel the pinch that used to terrify me as she puts the needle in and tapes over it to keep it in place. "Do you have any cards?"

"Are you up for it?"

"If by up for it you mean I feel like everything in my body is being liquidated and strangled at the same time, and I can't quite breathe right because there's a thing in my lungs, then yeah, I'm up for it." Oddly, playing countless rounds of Rummy 500 with Alexis while we both get what I personally consider to be poison pumped into our bodies comforts me. It reminds me of before I was as sick as I am now and when everything was still looking hopeful for me.

"You ever get yourself a boyfriend?" she asks, dealing out the cards. I feel my fingers shaking as I pick them up, already feeling the medicine being pumped into my body taking on some of the bad effects.

"Funny you should ask that." I answer, trying to keep an even face while I stare at my hand, trying to take my mind off of why I'm here. "I did, actually. My best friend in the whole world. We've been together several months. Well...I mean, I was unresponsive for two months, so does that count for time we were together?"

"Wait, wait, you were unresponsive? As in a coma?" I nod, unable contain my entertainment at the look on her face. "And you survived? That's a cool story to tell, don't you think? 'Hey, I've had Chemo twice and I was barely alive for two whole months, but here I am. Suck it, cancer. You can't stop me; I'm invincible.' You're, like, a hero in the cancer world now. You've been through hell but here you are." She looks awestruck, like she wonders how I could even still be alive after all that. I wonder that, too, constantly.

"Yeah, I guess." I get saved from the conversation when I feel a hand brush against my back and all of a sudden, Scott's beside me.

"Hi, baby. I brought some things if you want them; your mom said they might help when I called her." He acknowledges Alexis a few seconds later, apologizing for barging in.

"I guess this is your boyfriend?" she asks, smirking at me and laying down a card.

"The one and only." He sits down in the metal chair that one of the nurses gave him and sets a tote bag on the ground beside him. Alexis introduces herself, shaking his hand. She grimaces and I see how much it hurts her just to do that. "What did you bring?" I ask, glancing down into the bag. He pulls it up onto his lap and takes out a blanket. My heart swells when I see it; it is a weighted, heated blanket that my grandma got me when I was going through Chemo the first time, and it always made me feel better. Scott drapes it over my legs, letting one hand linger on my knee while he gets out the next thing. I am glad to see the cover of my favorite book, one that I've read so many times the title has worn off of the spine because I've opened it so much. I take it from him and lay it on my lap, staring at the cover happily.

"I also brought the first season of Game of Thrones and the third season of Glee if you want to watch those after you're done with this, like tonight." He pulls them out as proof and then puts them back. He reaches in one more time and pulls out a little brown cardboard box.

"What's that?" He answers by taking the lid off and tilting it toward me. My heart rate skyrockets when I see a ring, a band of silver intertwined with ruby, my birthstone. It's so beautiful that all I can do is stare at it and him and keep quiet.

"We're legally too young to get married, but I love you more that anyone or anything I ever have in my life and this is the closest I could come to asking you to marry me. It's a promise ring." He takes out another box and shows me a ring inside it, too. It is almost identical, but the stone in it sapphire, his birthstone instead of mine. He takes mine and slips it on my hand, taking my silence the right way, and does the same with his. "See?" He holds his hand next to mine and I stare for a few seconds before grabbing his chin and kissing him with everything I have.

"I love you, Scott." I whisper, burying my face in his neck while I pull him as close as I can, holding him with as much strength as I can find, which still isn't very much.

"I love you, too. So much." I almost forgot Alexis was sitting there until she 'aww's loudly. I look over at her to see her holding a hand up to her heart, watching us like we're puppies. Suddenly her shift focuses to behind me. I hear the squeaky door push open and turn to see what she's looking at. A woman is walking in, a man who I assume is her husband at her side.

"She's crying; this must be her first time." Alexis says quietly, watching as a nurse shows them over to where she's going to sit. I try not to watch so intently, remembering how it felt to be watched on my very first day. It felt like the world was watching somebody rip me apart and show everything inside of me. It was the worst feeling in the world.

****

After I'm done with Chemo, I'm almost too tired to walk. Scott, who stayed the entire time after he got there on my request, keeps asking if I want a wheelchair. I keep telling him no and insisting I can make it. He holds his hand on my back, ready to catch me if I fall, the whole way there. We turn the corner into a hallway, the first hall we've come across since leaving the Chemo room, and I have to stop to catch my breath and try to get some energy back. After almost five minutes of standing there, leaning against the wall, I pry my eyes open and lift my gaze to Scott's. Without saying a word, he understands what I'm asking and picks me up to carry me the rest of the way, strapping my oxygen cart to his back to I don't have to worry about it. I let my head fall against his chest, taking in gulps of air that now smell like him instead of hospital, until we finally reach my room. He puts me down first, kneeling beside my bed so that I don't get cut off from the air flowing into my nose. He takes the tank off his back next, and puts it on the ground beside me. I stare at the new ring on my hand, letting it make me feel a little better. I stare up at the ceiling, eyes half closed, while Scott gets everything out of the tote bag again, putting them on a table at the other end of the room.

"Want to watch Glee, Mitchy?" he asks. I try to tell him yes through some kind of telepathy while I keep looking up at the stars plastered to the ceiling to focus myself. He gets the message, popping one of the disks out and putting it into my laptop, which is hooked up to the TV. I smile when I hear the opening music for the menu, leaning instinctively against Scott as he comes and lays beside me, propping me up so I can see the TV without making me do any kind of movement myself. "Are you comfortable?" I nod slightly, forcing my eyes to stay open so I can watch an episode with him. The only problem is that I can't stop staring at my ring.