The Give Away

Chapter 12

A few days past, now it was only 14 days until christmas. Keiran still had not arrived yet and Jane was getting worried. I kept reassuring her by saying things like 'he's ok, he'll be here soon' but you could tell, in the back of her mind she was still thinking of him and still worrying for him. She talked to him every so often on the phone for at least an hour every time. Every time she hung up that phone she was really happy but after half an hour or so she was back to worrying. 'A lot can happen in 30 minutes you know' she said. I felt bad for her, I knew exactly how she felt. I was worried about Robert and thought about him so much it was (embarrassing to admit and) ridiculous. I had a picture of him and me on my bedside, I had stuck a bracelet with the word 'Love' in fancy letters on the corner and every night, when I took my necklace and bracelet he gave me off, I would look at the picture and whisper good night before I went to sleep wishing he could hear me. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep I would think of him, try and remember his voice, remember what he looks like, every detail and I would wonder can he feel me thinking of him? Does he know? Does he think of me? Being away from someone you love and that you are used to seeing every day feels like torture, you try and talk to them, try and see them but it feels like no matter how hard you try nothing works and you start to question what you have with them. The only way I could communicate with him was by Linking but it wasn't the same. Linking is like thinking to yourself, there is a voice but there is no voice at the same time. 'Does he love me or is he just being polite? He wouldn't avoid me would he? Should I keep trying or give up?' Are just 3 of the million thoughts that rush through my head. Suddenly my stomach felt funny, it was like I had a belt on too tight. I loosened my shorts but that wasn't the problem. I laid in bed clutching my stomach and wondering what was going on. I hugged the teddy bear Robert gave me and sat it beside my head just beneath my pillow. I shook the thoughts away and got up. I stumbled into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My hair was a mess and. I had huge black circles under my eyes. I had spent the whole night awake thinking about the same things, they churned through my head and ate at my hunger for sleep. When I had finally gotten to sleep it must have been 6 in the morning. It was now 8 and I felt so weird. I locked the door and had a shower, trying to wash away the tired, helpless feeling. I came out of the shower and shook my hair out. Little droplets of water scattered the tiled walls. I stumbled back, I felt so dizzy. I fell to the floor and laid my head on the towel. I closed my eyes and willed the feeling away. It was a very weird day so far. I slowly sat up, then stood. I hung the sopping wet towel on the rack beside the window and brushed my hair and teeth. I looked in the mirror and felt a bit better. I didn't look like I had been 'dragged through a hedge backwards' as my mum would say. I actually didn't look that bad, my hair was sitting the way I wanted it to, my clothes looked just right and my eyes seemed brighter than usual. 'Hmm' I thought to myself with a smile. I walked out of the bathroom, my head held high, my shoulders back, trying to make myself more confident and happy. It worked, after pacing up and down and looking in the mirror a few times for about an hour, but it worked. I walked out of my room wearing my mums favourite thing. A smile. My mother had believed that by smiling, the whole world seemed a bit brighter and you see things in a better, more positive way. 'Morning sleepy head. Finally wake up did we?' Jane joked 'you feeling better?' She asked. 'How did you....?' 'We're twins. I know' 'fair point. Yeah I'm feeling better' I replied. 'Good' she smiled and gave me a waffle smothered in jam and butter. I thanked her and began eating. I looked at the time, 11:31am. Of course it is. Ishovelled the rest of my breakfast in my mouth as fast as I could. Mark and Maria were out walking the dogs so Jane, Robert and I had to babysit. 'Jane! Look at the time' I cried. She gasped. 'NOOOO the triple threat! Dun dun dunnnnnn' she sung. I giggled and I heard something. 'HOPE!!! JANE!!!' A voice cried. Jane and I looked at each other and everything went in slow motion. We ran upstairs and crept through the door as if a terrorist was inside. Jane signalled that she was checking Annabeth and that I should check Bekki. We crept to the cradles. They were fast asleep, we looked up at each other with realisation. I mouthed to her that I will check. I top-toed to Kai's crib and peered over the edge. His eyes were open wide, and he looked upset. I picked him up slowly and walked out of the room. Jane closed the door behind me and ran down the stairs, dodging me in the process. I got to the bottom of the stairs and swayed back and forth with Kai in my arms, trying to settle him down. He put his thumb in his mouth so I pulled his fist away. Tears were welling up in his eyes so I quickly grabbed his dummy from the bench and put it in his mouth. I started humming to myself as I swayed. His hands relaxed into loose fists and his eyes flickered from open to closed, staying half open most of the time. I was humming the lullaby my mum used to play for Jane and I as babies. I didn't know the words but I will always remember the tune. As a kid I used to make up words to the song and sing them while I was cleaning the dishes, tidying Jane and I's room, drawing, doing homework. Practically everytime I was alone I would hum this song and now I was humming it for Kai, my baby brother. Robert put his hands on my elbows and swayed with me. I blushed as I hummed. Jane came in and smiled, 'suits you' she said. 'What?' I asked. 'This' she said gesturing to Kai, Robert and I. I smiled 'thanks' I said but secretly I was questioning the thought. 'I don't think I am cut out for being a mother, it's hard enough looking after the three here and they are my siblings. We are only babysitting. Besides it only takes one mistake and its a lifetime commitment. Stop thinking about it, they might hear you, you idiot' I thought to myself. Kai fell asleep but just to make sure I kept swaying back and forth. I was enjoying it too, something about having Kai in my arms and Robert holding me tight felt.....natural......it was peaceful and calming. There came another voice and Jane ran upstairs. Kai was sound asleep by now. Jane came back down and we swapped, I now had Bekki in my arms. 'Annabeth better not wake up' Jane panted as she crept upstairs with Kai in her arms. Robert was still holding me tight and swaying with me. I stopped humming when Jane had given me Bekki. 'Why did you stop? It was beautiful' Robert whispered. 'I don't know' I replied. I began humming againand I felt Robert breathe that uncontrollable deep breath that everyone gets sometimes. He relaxed, I relaxed and Bekki was falling asleep. My hand was gently patting her back as we rocked. Bekki fell asleep so Robert and I crept upstairs to out her in her cradle. We opened the door and crept in. I laid her down as Robert held the side of the curb with both hands. I gripped the side of the cradle and leaned over, I kissed Bekki's forehead and we crept out of the room again. Just before I shut the door I snuck back in and chicken on Annabeth, I pulled the covers back over her and pushed the hair out of her face. I tip-toed back out the door, shut it and slid down the banister as quietly as I could. I past Robert as I flew. He just smiled and shook his head. I got to the bottom and climbed back up to where Robert was. He stopped and picked me up, he put me down on the step above him so we were roughly the same height (well I was a bit taller but I'm not going to tell him that). He put his hands on my waist, I put my arms around his neck. He kissed me, I kissed him back. Suddenly I heard the sound of keys chiming, feet crunching gravel and panting. We took one look at each other and ran down the stairs. I heard the keys in the door and feet swiping on the door mat. We ran a little faster, thanks to adrenaline, skidded around the corner and sat on the stools. Suddenly I heard the keys being thrown into the bowl on the table, shoes scuffing on the door mat, then the sound of claws scratching and slipping on the pollished wood floor. '3.....2.....1.....' I counted. 'We're home!' Mark called. 'Right on cue' I muttered, 'hey guys! How was it?' I asked. I was taking slow, deep breaths to slow my heart down. 'It was great! They are getting so much better' Maria said cheerfully. 'Maria, your lips. They're blue' I said slowly as I speed-walked towards her. 'Yeah its freezing outside. I think it's going to snow tonight. Sometimes you can just tell you know?' She said as she breathed into her hands. That was one of my favourite things about her, she was an optimist and a think-outside-the-box sort of person. One of the many things we had in common. We always had the best conversations that way, we would think of something weird and instead of bottling it up inside we would have a conversation about it and give our thoughts about it. We talked for hours about stuff like that.