Still Alive: Part I

Chapter 4

You wake up to Paige yelling at you.

"Come on, wake up, Elliott! We have to go to FENCING!"

You grumble sleepily,"It's too early for fencing."

"It's 12:00 PM! Get up, you lazy-ass!"

You groan and roll out of bed. Then you remember... She's  gonna be there. You are suddenly a lot more stressed out. You want to see her again so badly, but you don't want to watch her hitting on Celia the whole time... and you're not sure how you want to feel towards her. All the feelings from the day before come washing back as you put your clothes on.

<<<< >>>>

You have an anticipatory grin as you walk through the doors at The Ballet School, your fencing bag over your right shoulder and holding your black foil tube.You stick your head through the doors of studio A/B to see if anyone's fencing, and your heart skips a beat from what you see. She's directing that bout. You stand there for a moment basking in her presence. Then you realize that she's waiting for you to go across the strip before starting the next action. You quickly lift the cords from the reel up, walk under, and set your stuff down with everyone else's by the windows.

You're greeted by Quinn and Shaylor, and you start putting on your fencing stuff as you talk with them. Paige comes in a moment later.

After you fence Quinn, she comes up to you. You weren't really paying attention, but you think she asked you to fence the next time a strip was open. You want to seem nonchalant, so you reply,

"Yeah, sure."

She promptly walks away and starts talking softly to Celia. They both have huge grins on their faces. A surge of jealousy pounds through your body. You want her to notice your arm. You want her to be worried, ask how it happened, why you did it. You want to see her face to fall when you say that it was her fault. It was all her. You can't wait to fence her. There will be no mercy. At all. Shaylor gives you a funny look, so you try to look normal. LOOK AT ME I AM A WELL-ADJUSTED HUMAN BEING. You give him a comic grimace, and he laughs, suspecting nothing.

<<<< >>>>

You hook yourself up to the left side of the strip in front of the door. She is standing across from you, and you both salute each other and test fer.

Paige comes up to direct.

"Center's here. Fencers ready?"

"Fence."

<<<< >>>>

The score is 4-1. You are winning. Big time. You relish watching her become more and more panicked. I let you win last time. Never let me do that again, you think as you score your final touch. 5-1, bout.

"I got you on the same thing on four out of the five touches," you decide to smugly point out.

"Yeah."

"Don't let me do that again."

"Yeah I know."

<<<< >>>>

She wanted to fence you again. Part of you wanted to fence her again so badly. You wanted to have her undivided attention, you wanted to feel her presence and mind. But the other part of you insisted that the only answer that you could give was no. You don't know if you could defeat her that well again, and you don't want to give her a chance to redeem herself.

You say yes. Stupid, stupid, dumb.

<<<< >>>>

Fortunately or unfortunately, there wasn't any more time to fence her. She takes off all of her stuff irritatedly, and you can't help but stare at her. And ache. Because she can't be yours, she has never been yours, and she never will be yours. You force yourself to choke down tears again and turn away, but the pain is still there. You don't know how she hasn't noticed your suffering. You quickly get your stuff packed up and urge Paige to hurry up so that you can leave.

You try to talk to Quinn and Shaylor, but you find your attention always drifting off towards her. You know deep down that it isn't her fault. But if it's someone's fault, it's hers. Or yours, your brain cheekily reminds you. Shut up brain, you're the one who decided to like her. Then you realize how stupid you are fighting with your subconscious. You growl frustratedly at this, and leave the building through the studio A door without going through the lobby, and Paige follows you moments later with her stuff and walks out to her car with you. Once she pulls out of the Ballet School driveway, she asks you, "What was that all about?"

You sigh, "It was... her again..."

"Elliott, you haven't even told me what about her has been bothering you!"

"Well, I just realized that she's 500% gay," you spit bitterly.

She looks at you and questions,"Really? I haven't really noticed, but I suppose you of all people would."

You respond with silence as you lean your head against the car window and stare blankly at the lines on the road.