Still Alive: Part I

Chapter 7

Dusty sunlight filters through the windows of the cafeteria. People were concerned with their own business. You sit at the end of a table by yourself, head down. Your greasy, overgrown locks block your vision, but it isn't as if you care.

 

"Elliott."

 

With a jolt, you break out of your melancholy trance at the voice that you recognize to be hers.

Without turning your head, you mumble,"What do you want."

 

"Are you okay?"

 

You want her to know. You want someone to talk to about everything. You need to get out.

 

"I'm fine."

 

You can't let her know. It will only make things worse.

 

"Are you sure?"

 

You want her to help you. You want desperately to be able to leave your dreams behind. You want to ask her if it's your fault.

 

"Yeah."

 

You can't. It will only drag her into something she can't get out of. You don't want to hurt her.

 

"I saw your arm."

 

You suddenly sat up straight and turned around to face her, as she had sit down on the seat next to yours.

 

"That was just... An accident! I fell! From my bike!" you defensively start to yell.

 

"I didn't know you like to go biking with a knife."

 

You slam your palms down on the table, sling your backpack on, and stalk off quickly.

 

A moment later you hear her voice.

"Wait! Elliott!"

 

You stop. You want her to help you. You need her to help you. But you can't get her into this. It would only hurt her. And haven't you done enough of that already?

 

"I-I'm sorry. I... shouldn't have said that. Listen. If you want to talk to me. A-about anything... You can. Anytime."

 

She says this with such sincerity you have to turn around and look at her. Her eyes beseech you to confide in her. You can't bring yourself to make eye contact for long.

 

You open your mouth to say something. You're not sure what to say, so you don't actually say anything. You turn back around keep walking.

 

<<<< >>>>

 

You wake up drenched in sweat again. This has to stop. But it won't. You add a tally mark. The blood is metallic and too familiar. You curl up and start sobbing. I need to get help. I need her help. I need her.

 

<<<< >>>>

 

Tuesday. Fencing today, you guess. You're just taking everything day by day. If you can just make it through today...

 

You just don't really have much of an incentive to do anything.

 

You sit by yourself in the cafeteria again. You wait to see her again. You don't know what you'll do when you do, by it's just the one thing you can look forward to. Sort of. You sometimes have to remind yourself that she likes Celia and then you just start hurting all over again. You just can't process all these emotions at once.

 

You see her.

 

She sees you, and you make eye contact.

 

Damn she's coming over here.

 

She sits across the table from you.

 

"Hey."

"Hey."

You sigh and start examining your cuticles.

"How're things going for you?"

You merely grunt in response.

You can't decide what to say or where to start. You don't know if you want to say anything. You try to start.

 

"I... uh..."

 

She watches you attentively, waiting for you to finish your sentence. You take a shaky breath.

 

"I... Want to talk to you. About something."

"Yes?"

You pause for a minute or two, trying to think how best to start. You finally ask her,

"Can I tell you later? When there's more time... And... I can think of what to say?"

"Sure, whatever you're most comfortable with. Just tell me when." She sends you a consoling smile across the table, and you force yourself to make a small smile shape with your mouth in response. She stays there until the bell rings a few moments later.

 

<<<< >>>>

 

Your mind is in such turmoil that you don't even fall asleep during class. You want to tell her. You want to tell her so badly. About your dreams. About your arm. About everything. But you can't tell her. You don't want her to know that she's the whole reason why. Or maybe it was you. You would look like the most pathetic being on the face of the planet if you told her. You don't want to drag her into this.

 

You suppose that you can just ask her one question...