Still Alive: Part I

Chapter 9

You've made up your mind. You know what you have to do. It will be better for everyone this way. All you have to do is wait.

You find solace in your thoughts. You slip through the days in cold indifference. Except when you see her. You just can't bring yourself go go up to her. You want to distance yourself from her. She will have nothing to do with what you do. Or that's what you're hoping she'll think.

<<<< >>>>

Tuesday arrives. Fencing today. You force a grim sort of half-grimace on your face. Your hair is washed and you look better than you have in months. You take a last glance at the shaky font you scrawled last night on a slightly crumpled piece of notebook paper. You sigh as you fold it into quarters and put it on top of all your stuff in your fencing bag. Today is the day you fix everything.

When you walk into lower quad C for fencing, you see that she is already there. Your heart is stinging like someone dumped a bucket of fermented toxic waste into a cavity they drilled inside your chest. When she goes to use the bathroom, you unzip the bottom of her bag. You take out the foil being kept in a tube with a small blue bungee cord. You're relieved to find that the blade hasn't been replaced. You take your foil out of its tube and put it into the empty tube, and put her foil in your black tube. You hide the grip of the foil now in her bag under her breast protector, which you can't help but take a second glance at. You conceal the grip of her foil that you switched behind your fencing bag up on the window ledge, and you're adjusting it just as she rounds the corner. You breathe a sigh of relief.

She looks at you, attempting to make eye contact and start a conversation, but you utterly refuse to so much as glance her way until more people come. You watch as Celia arrives and starts talking to her. You look upon them, laughing and talking in hushed voices, smiling. Her smile is like a stab in the gut. You feel like you are experiencing the emotional version of the rotten, saccharine taste that you force yourself to swallow when you have a cold.You are helping her by doing this. You want her to be happy. Your happiness will no longer be a concern. It will be a relief. Still, your stomach is churning and your body is tense. This is what you must do. You are ready. You must be ready.

You square your shoulders, take your foil tube, and walk down the hallway. Your heart starts pounding like angry mobs beating at a giant iron door preventing them from reaching their loved ones. You sharply turn the corner and go into Coach Miller's room. The lights are off, so the only light comes from the windows, the hallway, and the plant lamps. You go to one of the desks closer to the windows, and therefore farther away from the door. You nervously bite your lip, and kneel on top of the desk facing the front of the room.

You finally pull her foil out of the tube, and it makes a scraping sound more brief than it does usually. This is because her foil is broken. You take a tremulous breath and grasp the visconte grip of her foil with sweaty palms. You extend your arms in front of you, and position the broken end so that it is facing you. You now feel as if giant eagles are flapping around in your stomach. You take quick, deep breaths, and bite down on your lower lip again.

You clamp your eyes tight as a tear trickles down your face.

The giant eagles have decided to hold a sabre tournament. A small cry of panic escapes your lips. You don't want to do this. But you have to. You can't keep on hurting like this. When you're gone you can't hurt her.

"I have to do this," you tell yourself firmly without opening your eyes. You shakily bring your hands up and angle the blade. You take a deep breath. Hot tears stream down your face. You don't want to do this. You need help. You need her. If she cared about you, she would have helped you a long time ago, you tell yourself. You prepare to swing the foil down.

Elliott, you hear her call. What are you doing? Please stop.

"I have to do this", you solemnly inform her voice,"All the dreams. They'll stop. And I won't hurt you anymore."

Her voice comes again. You need help. Please, just put the foil down and walk back to join us.

"Nobody cares," you respond more forcefully.

If nobody cares, then why am I here? Does this look like not caring to you? An image of her anguished face swims in front of your vision.

"You like Celia. Not me. I've only ever hurt you and that's all I ever will end up doing. You'll be doing yourself a favor."

There's no way any of that is true, you hear her voice tearfully insist. None of that is even close.

You smile at how unwilling to face the truth you are, even now.

"Now I know you're just in my head," you chuckle grimly, shaking your head. "Either way, you wouldn't be able to stop me. I've made my decision. Now I'm going to do it."

You raise her foil again.

You feel her trying to pry it out of your hands, and you struggle with it. More sorrowful cries fill your ears.

You can't do this! Choosing not to choose isn't a solution! Just please, Elliott, give me the foil. Don't hurt yourself any more than you already have!

In your grapple, you get the foil at the optimal angle. It's now or never, and you plunge the blade down. She diverts the blade, but not far enough. You think you hear her scream as her sword impales your left side.  

It pierces your skin, and your eyes open wide for a split second. You can't help but emit a gasp of pain. You missed.

"Damn... You..." You try to yell, but it's difficult for you to breathe.

She's crying. The foil drops to the floor with a clatter when it slips out of your wound. No! you hear her sob. You idiot! Your warm blood flows through the hole in your shirt and down your side. You're dizzy, and slip into a lying down position. Everything is turning orange and purple and green.

You crack a genuine smile for the first time you can remember. You manage to force enough air out of your lungs to whisper to her phantom.

"Hey. Don't cry. You can name your foil now."

An image of her desolated face is the last thing you see before everything finally fades to black.

<<<<•>>>>

END OF PART I