Still Alive: Part I

Chapter 8

At lunch, you spot her sitting outside with the group of guys you both hang out with. You're about to go up to her, but you hesitate suddenly. Instead, you go up to someone else who could probably answer your question.

"Adrian."

"Yeah what's up?"

"I wanna ask you something..."

"Is it about--" he jerked his head in her direction.

"Yeah."

"Here, let's go up into the forest thing. Trees."

You both head into the small clump of trees on the top of the hill.

"Okay. So what do you wanna ask?"

You take a shaky breath.

"So you know... Her arm?"

"What about her arm."

"She... Uhh..."

You can't bring yourself to say it, so you make sawing motions over your left forearm.

Adrian is still mystified.

You finally burst out, "Her arm! She-- she cut herself!"

You both are silent as what you said sinks in. The sounds of people laughing and talking echo from outside the crop of trees.

"Oh yeah. That. Umm... What about it?"

"Do you know... Why... She..?" You trail off with uncertainty.

Adrian hesitates for a moment.

"Hate to break it to you man... But it was kinda you..."

Youknewit youknewit youknewit youknewit.

You tug on some greasy strands of your hair and try not to cry.

"Dude, that's not the whole thing it was more herself you just happened to be part of it..."

You don't want to hear any more about it. You rush off in the opposite direction from where you came.

"Elliott! Wait!"

You don't give any indication that you heard him.

"I'm not finished telling you about it! Come back! Elliott!"

You keep running. You run around the corner of the building and sit down on the concrete steps. Your face is buried in your hands, and your hair is a tangled brown mess of a curtain concealing the back of your hands.

I was goddamn right. I can only hurt her. That's all I'm good for. I’m useless. I'm just horrible. Why am I here just to do this to her. I need to just get away from her. Save her. From myself.

Hot tears stream down your face underneath your clammy hands. Your small sobs are amplified by the echoing effect of your cupped hands. You don't notice as Adrian rounds the corner a few minutes later and sits down about a foot away from you, and starts explaining what he said.

"Listen. I didn't say that the way I should have. I'm not very good at doing this sort of thing. She lost this fencing thing against you pretty badly and she didn't like it that you were smug about it or that she already learned how to counter it. From what she said, it was just by chance that you were involved. I don't know how much she blames you, since I'm not her, but I know she doesn't hate you. We would know if she hated you."

You pause.

"I don't care how much she blames me," you state dully, "I just want to know how much I was responsible."

"You weren't."

"How the hell would you know."

"You just weren't."

"Tell the TRUTH!"

Your exasperated yell echoes off the pavement and the brick wall of the building.

"Dude, to be honest, you should just go ask her if you're so concerned about it."

"I can't."

"Why not? She's right there and she's willing to talk to you."

"I just... Can't. I don't want to make her..."you trail off, not entirely sure what you were going to say.

"I'm afraid."

"If you want to talk to someone about your problems, she'd be your go-to girl. I mean, she's pretty damn good at helping people. I'm not, and I don't know what exactly she thinks of you. Just go up and start talking to her, dude."

You sit in silence for a few minutes.

"If I hadn't rubbed it in her face so much, do you think she wouldn't have..."

"I don't know man."