unexpected {bs}

Chapter 45

three weeks, that is all it took to realize that I'm actually dying. a few weeks ago i thought there could be something that could cure me, and that i could live a normal life again and not have to die. turns out i was wrong. because I am going to die. there is nothing anyone can do to make me better, so I don't have to die. but I do and I have realized that now. there i was planning my own funeral when this finally hit me that at any month, week, day, minute or second I could just go. I could make this easier for everyone else and jump off a roof and something ridiculous like that, but I decided I wont and I can't do that to my family and friends. I have time, I cant just waste that or make my time shorter by ending my life.

Its not everyday that a seventeen year old girl is thinking about there deaths and planning there funerals. All they care about is boys and whatever normal seventeen year old girls do, but not me. i don't consider myself 'normal' anymore, not after i found out that i have a severely rare heart disease that kills you.

I would like to think there was a reason that I am dying, like someone needs me in heaven. and even though im not religious i still like to think that someone up there is looking down on me and is keeping me safe. That is what my Mum told me after dad died, That he had a reason to go, he had a responsibility to look after me and guiding me through my life. Ever since that day I believed that my dad was watching me. whenever i was sad I would look up at my bedroom ceiling and talk to my dad for a little while. My mum thought I was going loopy. you know because i was talking to a ceiling. but to me, I was talking to my dad.

I have estimated that I probably have about one month and a half left. well until I can't do anything by myself and won't be able to move so much. Never again am I sitting in all day and watching films, while i can do everything i want to do. I can watch movies when I'm stuck in bed but I can't go Disney land when I can't move. I am spending time wisely. No more lazy Abbie from now on, unless Im struggling to breath. which won't be long from now.

Brad also suggested I should make a bucket list, you know them lists that you do which are things like 50 things you want to do before your the age of forty-five. Obviously I won't be able to do fifty things but I think twenty-five is reasonable. I was looking through one of my diaries that I did when I was bullied in school and as i picked it up, a note slid out of it and onto the floor. I left the diary on the floor and read the note,

fifty things I want to do before I am 100.

I obviously -as many other little girls- imagine they will easily live till the age of one hundred without getting ill once, We thought it would be easy. I continued reading the note,

1) live in a castle with a big ball pit and cinema room

when did I write this?!

2) swim with sharks.

what was I talking about? I hate sharks.

3) have a doggy called patch (like a pirate)

Oh my god, this is before two patch. I must of been really young when i wrote this.

4) go to heaven so I can see daddy one last time.

5) have friends.

6) (the most important one) get married and have kids.

That is still the top thing i want to do. I don't think its possible to have a child in a month, not like I want a kid at seventeen. but also marriage isn't really my number one priority right now. Heck, I'm thinking about my funeral not what wedding dress i want.

Also if you were wondering, They all know now. And by 'they' i mean Charlotte, Ella, Jess, Tris, Con and James. They found out about two weeks ago. they weren't supposed to all know at once but it just kinda happened. Tris was talking to brad and he just started crying. everyone asked what was up and pointed to me. I was put under pressure and just let it all out. I wasn't supposed to but i had no choice. It was then or never and i knew i had to tell them one day. Jess already knew and promised not to tell anyone until i was ready to tell them but after i told them all, she started crying again, like this just got real for all of us and I cant change the fact I'm dying. I wish I could, but I can't.