My day starts like any other. All is well from other's point of view. But for me, it seems like the pain is growing with every step, with every blink, every breath. The pain I'm carrying seems to grow heavier and heavier. My heart seems to have fallen from the tallest building in the world, having to drop into a pile of glass, the shards cannot be extracted, the hurt cannot be set aside. My mind is in a place that I had only been in once before. But this is heavier. I'd gotten over the previous issue with a band-aid to the heart and a tissue for one lone tear. This is different.
I went home after a couple more drinks with Portia. She'd invited me for drinks at her house with a couple other friends. But I politely declined. I wanted to get home as soon as I learned about what really happened. Portia didn't lie. She wouldn't even have the reason to do so. She knows her by name. That has to mean something.
I don't know if I should call her of not. I don't know if I should keep torturing myself with all this distress. Heartbreak is something one cannot run from. That time would heal all wounds. God I wish I had a time machine right now.
I also wish I had a friend that I could tell these things...
"Ellen?" The door opens and I realize that I had been staring at my computer screen doing nothing for about 20 minutes. "Oh... Why are you crying? Are you okay?" It was Mary. I just now feel the tears on my cheeks. I quickly wipe them away
"Oh, that's nothing... I'm just finishing up on the report you wanted" I shift the conversation as fast as I could.
"Don't worry about that now... What's wrong?" She takes a seat in one of the chairs in front of me. I debate on whether or not I should tell her.
"I'm..."
"Yes?"
"Nevermind, I'm overthinking things. I'll get on with the report now" I start to type on my laptop on my desk but as I start to do so, she pulls it away.
"No. Ellen, we've been working with each other for about a month now, and Ed, Andy, and I barely know you. Is it something we did that made you think you can't trust us with anything? Cause you can... You really can..." I sigh, she's beating herself up for something that's completely my fault
"No... You didn't do anything. I'm just really scared that I'll... That I'll lose my job if I say anything" this confuses her
"Well, I'd say the same thing" she says
"What do you mean?"
"Ellen, we know the business. Show business is competitive. That's just a given. But if you tell us this story and we tell it to the press what would happen?"
"I'll lose my job? I'll never work again, I'll be living off spare change by the streets"
"So would we. Almost everyone in Hollywood is easy to replace. Especially those behind the scenes" my eyes shift from the window to her, my mind is trying to figure out what she meant.
"I...?"
"No one wants to hire people they can't trust. We'll be known as the people that tried to gain your trust then ruined you"
"Wait-"
"Which is not what we're doing. What happens behind the camera stays behind the camera. Unless we want it to get out" I nod, silently considering actually telling her everything. But as I was about to open my mouth and tell her, Andy walks in
"Ellen I-" I debate on my next move once Mary's eyes shift back to me. It was as if she just lost her chance with me telling her.
"Andy" I start "You're just in time"
-----
"So... yeah. That's that... She left, my head hasn't been where it's supposed to be, and it's all because of her" I don't notice the tears that had begun to fall in the middle of my story. I finally look up, my chest instantly feels lighter as I see their sincere empathy. I suddenly had what I didn't have before. I finally had someone to tell all that I've been keeping inside of me. I finally had these people to call my friends.
"What- I don't even know what to ask"
"we don't have to ask anything Andy. What she needs is support" Mary says
"Promise me something though"
"Anything"
"Promise me you won't tell anyone"
"We wont" The smile Mary gives me was enough reassurance, she's right.. if I were to work on this show with them for years I had to start trusting them. I guess this was the first step.
"wow.." Andy breaks the silence, his goofy demeanor left the room the moment I started my story, it was new to us, my eyes were on him, his was fixated on my door, he continues "Anne Heche." he says, nodding I respond,
"Yeah. caught me off guard as well" I didn't know Anne, I saw her at a few awards shows that I was lucky enough to be invited to, seat-filler to give the illusion to the audience at home that there were those that actually attended these things, she's always come across to me as intimidating, insincere.
A moment comes to mind of a particular event, I was by the open bar of an after party Jen had invited me to, she had left me early into the night to mingle with a few friends, I didn't really mind, people watching was something I was very fond of. After ordering my third drink of the night I was experiencing a little buzz, but what I saw made me sober up for a moment. There she was, Anne Heche, in all her pixie blonde glory, go over to a woman whose hair was less bright of a blonde than hers, they met in a hug while the woman's date stood behind, her eyes went to him immediately, giving him a sly smile and a knowing wink. Their hug ended, the woman and her date left, and about half an hour later the man comes back. I almost spit my drink as the event unfolded. Anne stood there as the guy looked around cautiously, I averted my eyes for a moment, not wanting to stop whatever's happening, I'd like to think of myself as a nice person but this was interesting, she took a piece of paper from her clutch and wrote on it, she then opened his jacket to place the folded paper onto the band of his trousers. Leaning over for a hug, she stops a moment before, leaving a searing kiss onto his lips for a fraction of a second, how that worked I didn't know. The man smiles at her and went to go back to his date, she smiled at him and gave him a loving hug. They made their way through the crowd to where I was sitting, ordering a couple martinis I catch a moment of their conversation,
"Happy Anniversary darling" the woman says and I suddenly felt a pound on my chest. I knew that he was unfaithful, even if it was only a small kiss, the events that happened before was the truth slapping my face. I didn't know any of them, but if that event was any indication of what kind of person she is, my heart worries for Cath. My mind quickly scolds me as it reminded me of her attempt at infidelity
"so what are you going to do now?" Mary asks, I let out a small gust of air through my nose, shaking my head for a moment before biting the inside of my cheek,
"I honestly don't know" they both nod, knowing that prying would get them nowhere. They're probably happy that I opened up in the slightest. "I guess I'll continue working for now"
"I guess, productivity is a good way to take your mind off of things. Just don't over do it" Mary says, and I remember our conversation not too long ago.
"Mary! There you are-" a staff I'm not too familiar with steps into the room, she then cuts herself off as she saw me, giving a greeting to the three of us she continues "we had a cancel" all our eyes meet in worry as this has never happened before "though.. they did provide a replacement themselves"
"Can they do that?" I ask
"I guess if it's the same show?" I let out a noise of acknowledgment as Mary asks for the specifics, I drown them out for a moment, continuing the report that I had been working on. Though a name catches my attention as their conversion ends
"... Portia de Rossi, in about a week"
