"don't go, please don't go" I begged, my legs drag on the floor and my knees almost feel like they're bleeding. I felt the presence of the people around me, staring me down, mocking me. 'How pathetic' I hear one say. I didn't care. I gripped on the floral dress that this woman was wearing, almost tearing the delicate fabric as it battled my desperate fingers.
"you made your choice," she says, her head finally turning and our eyes meeting for the first time. My eyebrows furrow at the sight before me.
Portia...
I jolted up in bed, a cold sweat ran through my back, my breathing was heavy, and my heart was thumping as though threatening to fully jump out my chest. As if on cue my alarm beeps not a moment later. I slowly get up from my bed, trying to hold on to the dream that I've been having the past few days now, it alternates between them, one day it's the woman I've been so desperately trying to hold on to, the next, someone I barely know. I check my phone for any messages that may have went through over the night and I'm greeted with two. One from Mary and another from an unknown number. I decide to leave it be as neither seemed important enough at this hour. I never used to check my messages, it was a passing thing, only to be remembered when remembered. Now I do, subconsciously waiting for a message from Cath, that she's coming back, that she wants me again, that she's downstairs making breakfast. All wishful thinking but I hope nonetheless. I fix up everything I needed for the day, and headed out to work. I don't like staying at home as much, it feels empty, I would usually appreciate the immense peace that quiet provides but now it annoys me, it only reminds me of my shortcomings.
"Hey Ellen!" Jeannie says as I entered the building, I give her a well rehearsed smile and bid my goodmornings before going straight to my office. As I sat down I felt the ache in my stomach and I try to remember if I even had dinner the night before.
"did you even have breakfast?" Andy asks, I barely noticed him walk inside my office, I shook my head
"I was in a hurry" I lie, I had nothing to be hurried for.
"you should, I heard that from outside" I felt my cheeks burn in embarrassment
"I'm okay" I say rather quietly, Andy steps out for a moment, I go on auto pilot trying to work out what I had to do for the day, and about half an hour later he comes back holding a bag of take-out starbucks
"Coffee and a bagel, I asked my assistant to get me something, had her get you breakfast too" I let out a smile, though weak, may be the most genuine smile I've had for a while.
"Thanks Andy"
"you got this Ell" I nod, I didn't even know what he meant.
About an hour or two of creating reports, signing requests, and reviewing paperwork handed to my office the day before, I get a knock on the door.
"get my message?" Mary asks and I remember my phone, I didn't really have the interest in opening it, or any other message for that matter.
"I got it, forgot to read it.. sorry" I say reaching for my phone I had unceremoniously dropped on my table the moment I got in this morning.
I have to talk to you about a guest, unofficially. -M
"Oh" I say lightly, not really understanding what she meant, I look up to her for answers and she gives me a small apologetic look before she closes the door to my office. 'uh-oh' runs through my mind; my office door mainly stays open, it closes when things get serious.
"a certain someone's agent sent me a message last night, asking if they can book as slot to promote a movie" I lean back on my chair, this is interesting. Mary never really has to tell me any bookings that occur, it just arrives to me once it's finalized, it'd be easier to work with something that's already fixed and build a show around it, rather than us thinking about who to have on.
"unofficially" I say, echoing her text message, she nods "what do you mean"
"well... here," she opens a file folder that I didn't realize she was holding, I read through the contents and I realize that it's an email and a few photos,
--
I sit in my office about eight hours after Mary broke the news to me. My mind has been on overdrive ever since she said the name. I could barely focus on the show that we were filming earlier. Everything felt like it wasn't in my favor, that this is all punishment for me for choosing my career over the people I loved... well, person. My mind was buzzing with questions, the buzz wasn't helped by the booming speakers of the TV that was required to be opened all day.
"Hey Anne! Hi Cath! Over here! give us a smile!" my gaze snapped to the TV, 'oh great.' I realize that a celebrity gossip show has started and that they were caught in a paparazzi frenzy walking out of a restaurant. I couldn't seem to look away as they're bombarded with questions "Had a nice dinner??" "where did you guys meet??" "Have you ever had any other celebrity girlfriends before Anne??" I felt air leave my body, 'she wouldn't' I thought, good lord please spare me. She stops walking, her hand on the car door handle and she stands there, a smile I loved plastered on her face, I don't know if I love it as much now. Out of all the questions thrown her way this was the one she was willing to answer, of course. Staring straight into the camera, as though looking through my soul, she speaks,
"none that you know of" Anne lets out a chuckle and raises her eyebrows at Cath, I wondered if she knew anything, did she cut the bull on the 'cousins' story? I let out the last gust of breath left in my lungs that I was holding onto for god knows how long.
"you bitch" it comes out as a sigh. My heart screams the love I have for her, but I feel somewhat defeated. She's starting to get petty with me. I know I'm an asshole for denying her, but she's rubbing everything in my face now. She's suddenly aware of the power she holds over me and she's letting me know. My phone dings, snapping me out of my pathetic trance and I look over, it was a message from the same number I overlooked this morning. Not many people know my personal phone number so this came off odd.
Got your number from Jen, hope this isn't weird, just wanted to say hi
-P (6:45am)
Wanna hang out before the interview in a couple of days? I thought it'd be easier to talk if we got to know each other better, make it friendlier
-P (5:38pm)
I take that as a 'no' ... it's okay though, I know you're busy, see you soon!
-P (7:22pm)
I look swiftly as the clock and I see that it's just after 7:25, if this is who I think it is I don't want to give her an unfriendly impression, I debate on it for a minute before pressing the green button on my phone and the ringing starts as I put the device over my ear. I silently prayed that she pick up and possibly distract me from my miserable life. The ringing stops and my heart drops as I thought she had rejected my call. A sweet voice with a hint of an australian accent comes through the speakers about a second later,
"Hello?" she asks
"Hey! uhm... is this- is this Portia?" of course it is dumbass
"Hi! yeah, this is she, is this Ellen? I kinda recognize the voice" she says in a small chuckle.
"yeah, yeah it's me. I'm sorry I haven't responded to your texts, work's been hectic and I barely touch my phone these days.. The second one you sent was just a little after filming and I was in a completely different building, I'm sorry" I hurriedly explain, stumbling over my words. This makes her giggle
"It's alright, I understand... I did kind of feel a bit rejected though" she said, I can hear the playfulness in her voice. This makes me smile
"oh however can I make it up to you?" I ask, playing along with her jokes, adding a little drama to my voice to make her laugh, it works, I hear a hearty laugh and I feel my own heart jump.
"are you still at your office?" she asks, the humor has taken a backseat and she seems a little more serious now
"yeah, still here. I like to put in long hours to make sure everything runs smoothly"
"oh, more of a leader than a boss," I can hear her smile through her words "I like that"
"yeah well.." I chuckle "why do you ask?" her answer comes late, it was enough for me to fill in the eternities within the milliseconds with thoughts about Cath, I felt like I was cheating on her, fully aware of the absurdity as she's been strutting about with her new girlfriend everywhere. Portia finally speaks,
"I'm right around the corner, would you like to have dinner?"
