The Uncomplicated/Uncomfortable Principle (Big Bang Fanfic)

Chapter One

The Uncomplicated/Uncomfortable Principle

(Big Bang Fanfic) by @fatpigeon (Contains adult themes)

 (¯*'¯'*•.¸¸.WHOOSH! *'¯'*•.¸¸.•'¯)

Howard Wolowitz is sitting in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment leaning forward, a game controller in his hand.

Raj Koothrapali lounges on the sofa beside him, sighing and making high-pitched whining noises.

"Will, you quit that? You sound like a freaking wind chime!" says Howard, irritated.

"Dude, this is boring. Why do I have to watch you play on your own? Minecraft is for little kids. Why don't we play Halo as a co-op?"

"What can I say? I'm an engineer, I build things. Besides, the costume store has a Minecraft Steve outfit, I've got my eye on for Stuart's party – with matching sword and pickaxe. I like the idea of being a pixilated super-hero."

"A blockhead, more like," Raj sneers.

Howard ignores him and the sound of grinding stone rattles the flat screen's speaker.

"Ooh, watch out for that zombie villager, dude," Raj exclaims.

"Don't worry, he's dead meat – literally," Howard snorts. "I've laid one of my ingenious traps for him." More grinding stone noises... followed by a squishing sound.

Raj nods in admiration. "Cool."

"What are you going as anyway? And before you say it, Sheldon is the Flash!"

"He's always the Flash, why can't we have a turn?"

"He called dibs."

"Dibs, shmibs! Well, I'm not going as Aqua man again. Maybe I'll go as Princess Leia."

Howard turns to his friend, shaking his head, while Raj simply shrugs.

Sheldon walks in, his arm covered with a length of sheer red material.

"Oh darn, there's a tear forming in the tights of my Flash costume!" Sheldon announces.

"Why don't you darn it then, Howard mumbles, returning to his game.

"Theoretical physicists do not darn. That is a task for those with nimble fingers and feeble minds, I have neither... Oh wait! Walowitz made a pun. When I said darn, as an exclamation, he suggested I darn my tights..."

 Sheldon's face is blank. A strangely quirky noise escapes his mouth, which reluctantly eases upward. This is Sheldon laughing at a joke.

Howard sighs. "What about your meemaw, couldn't she do it, or is her mind feeble too?"

"How dare you! My meemaw's mind is sharp as a tack, but you're right; perhaps I was hasty with the 'feeble' comment. Her needlework skills are legendary," Sheldon coos, "she once made me a beautiful patchwork quilt when I was in fifth grade – just before I started college – every square stitched with love. But she lives twelve hundred and sixty-three miles away, as the crow flies, and Stuart's party is tonight."

"I'll pay the fare," Howard says, chuckling to himself.

Sheldon's face remains blank. Sarcasm is too tricky to read sometimes.

"Maybe I should go as the Flash and you could go as something else," Raj announces, "my tights are fine."

"I called dibs," Sheldon says, his nose tilting upward.

"You can't be the Flash without tights, and you can't borrow mine either!"

"Eww! The very thought turns my stomach – your tights would barely cover my knees and the stains around the crotch would make an STD lab very happy: urine, stool and semen samples all readily available for testing!"

Raj sits there with his mouth open.

"Maybe Sheldon should go as Princess Leia, he has the height and the sallow skin tones," Howard says, squishing another zombie.

  "I hope that comment wasn't racist, not to mention prejudiced against the vertically challenged," Raj moans.

"No, jus' saying. And if Sheldon hadn't ticked Penny off, she may have helped him."

"Yeah, dude. You put her back on your dumb 'mortal enemy' list. What was that all about?" asks Raj.

"She annoyed me. I have spent many hours of my valuable time demonstrating rudimentary physics to that woman, just so she can impress Leonard, though Lord knows why. She only needs to bat her eyelids to do that. She kept calling the Uncertainty Principle the Uncomplicated Principle – everyone knows it is extremely complicated, even Howard."

"What, you mean how the position and velocity of a particle can't be determined at the same time? Yeah, that's a conundrum," Howard says softly, and, then with his voice rising to a rasp: "but not as difficult as working out how you're gonna fix the hole in your FREAKING TIGHTS!"

Sheldon sighs, returning his gaze to the red nylon under his hands.

"Nail polish can fix tears," Raj says.

Howard pauses his game and stares at Raj. "Where do you get this stuff?"

Raj shrugs, a guilty look on his face.

"Hmm, you may have something there, Raj. Nail polish has the chemicals toluene, dibutyl phthalate and even formaldehyde, I can see how they would react with nylon polymers. In skilled hands, my tear would be rendered invisible," he says, holding the nylon up to the light.

"Penny has nail polish. And she knows how to use it, dude," says Raj.

Sheldon sighs deeply, and trudges over to his computer to take Penny off his mortal enemy list, while Howard and Raj high-five.

  DON'T BE AFRAID TO CLICK THE LITTLE STAR GRAPHIC IN THE TOP RIGHT CORNER IF YOU LIKE THIS CHAPTER. If you do, you're a star too!

Quiz question:

Which one of the three characters in this chapter goes up in space?